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Showing posts from 2010

of loaves of bread and fishes

Since my dad died in June, I inherited from him a group of women that he used to teach every month.  I promised my dad that I will be faithful in teaching them just as he was. But last month, my health situation has kept me from going up the mountains and keeping that promise and so I asked my brother to step in for me, and he did, just like all the times in the past when I asked him to do something for me.  Thank God for Big Brothers.These groups of women from six different villages learned that the reason why I could not go up the village to teach them was because I am preggers, so they decided that for this month, they'll come down to where I'm at and hold the meeting there.  I received a message from my sister telling me that a maximum of 20 women will be coming and that I should prepare lunch for all of them.  So I did.  Well, not me, as I can't stand the smell of anything that's coming from the stove even a pot of rice that is boiling.  I asked a cousin of mine (…

having the ms bad

I am having the morning sickness bad but I can have it all bad as long as I'll be granted an uneventful pregnancy and a full-term normal baby.  The whole day sickness is wreaking havoc on my concentration and ability to think.  But I am meaning to finish two books before Christmas, so we'll see.The insulin injections are doing their tricks.  My highest blood sugar measurement so far was 104mg/dl compared to the 200++ that I used to get while on the other medication. So it seems like I went all the way to nursing college and learn how to inject 'painlessly' so that in the future, I could stick needles into my own body three times a day. :-)

++++Plus++++

Yup, I got two purple lines in the thing called home pregnancy test kit. But it seems to the doc that it is something that needs to be "dealt with" in the next few days.  I'm waiting for the doctor to call and the husband to come home.  I don't know what to feel.  Usually, for someone like me who only have 1 tube left, and an ovary that is so cystic it looks like a rotten cauliflower in the ultrasound, and been trying for the last couple of years, a double line should send me straight to heaven.  But then a double line should not be painful either.  Mine is, so I am not happy.  I am actually indifferent.  I'd say angry, but I shall need another stative verb for tomorrow.

"Lord, please sing to me "The Power of your Love, and Sustaining Grace."  I would but I don't have a voice right now, just a heart that is scared and beaten down to a pulp.

Nov. 19, 2010

Went to see the doc again today.  She has not yet ruled out tubal pregnancy until…

Tubal Preg Scare

I went on a binging spree researching about my health conditions that I tried to ignore this last few months,  thinking fatalistically, and telling my myself that if I die, I die, and so it doesn't make a difference if I manage my PCOS and my Diabetes or not.  Yes, I rebelled from the restrictive diet that I had to follow, and I went back to my old habits of eating sugars, not paying attention to what I eat and weigh, and not exercising.

But the last few weeks, I have been in one of my neurotic moods where I was very sad, manic-depressive, and just don't have the energy nor joy to face a in-another-state-of-mind beautiful day.  Then I noticed that I have missed my period and I have been feeling a general throbbing pain in my lower tummy.  Sometimes, it is throbbing, but sometimes it is sharp and it feels like a shock wave flashing across my abdomen.  It scared me to death, thinking that this might be another tubal pregnancy.  I began to voraciously research and re…

Yzlel's theme song

One weekend, I went home to the village and as usual, I was met by my nephews and nieces expecting a pasalubong.  For a change, I did not bring lollipops, rather, I brought them lots of balloons, which they love so much.  Two weekends later, I went home again and my thirteen month old nephew said, "Tita, hanahanana, bibidong."  And I said, "Sorry, andi bibidong (balloons) nihaya. Kindin aboh." But he kept saying, "Tita, bibidong, hanananana."  He repeated it for maybe 5 times until his mom came in from selling the baskets of guavas that she and Yzlel harvested that morning, and explained to me what Yzlel meant.  He wasn't asking for a balloon pasalubong after all.  He only wanted me to sing the song he and his dad translated that goes:

Waday bibidong ko
Timayab lad kabonyan
Agak la ang-angen
Pimatok na-mo la
Sayang lay pilak ko
Nallakwan kon gayyabah
No makan koma la
Naphelak et koma.

Mynephew sang with me, being a one year old little guy, he was only able to…

LIFE in Purple

Life's been lazy and depressing this last few days.  I worked from my bed and got up only for physio-biological needs. But today, I decided to make the effort to be happy and productive with the participation of my feet and my hands, and not only my fingers and my brain like I did last week. 

I don't know what happened.  For some reason, I was too unhappy to get up.  Some neighbors came to talk to me one evening, but I pretended to be asleep. (Yikes, that's sick, I know! :-)

Today the Lord encouraged me with the devotional passage that I read this morning that says:

"God knows how hard you've tried
How tired you get,
How empty your soul can feel,
...even when your days and nights are crowded with all you do in the name of the Lord.
God knows the longings of your spirit, the unfulfilled places of your heart."

Thank you, my Lord Jesus, for knowing me more than I know myself.

Atbp.

I was sorry that I wasn't able to go to the Ayangan's Bible Dedication in Ifugao today.  I would have really gone except that I don't want my women's group to think that I stood them up.  So I had fun teaching the Women of Mapayao, Oliweg, Acacia, and Salicpan.  Bong drove me up to Mapayao and came back right down so that he and my sis Daphne could go to the Bible dedication. 

I also did some vision testing today with some of the women.  I think all of them will have to have reading glasses.  This i-see program is really great!  I'm sure when people from other villages hear of it, they'll clamor for the service too.

TY to the As for buying, and bringing the equipment and supplies.  Now, all I need to do is to find someone and train him/her to do it.

Sistemang Bulok

Processes and systems are good but I so hate them when they don't work, and more when they keep changing. I guessed change is inevitable but the change should also undergo the right process, like my pancreas is supposed to produce insulin so the carbs I eat can be used up as energy, and not accumulate in my blood as sugar. But since my pancreas doesn't follow the process, a medical doctor told me what changes I need to do.  It would be stupid of me to listen to a Math teacher who tells me to count from 1-33 every morning to remedy my diabetes.  It is the same with other processes.  It is so not good to change a process that was working so well for everybody, especially that the change is coming from someone who has no authority to implement a change. I sooo hate that!  Why do some people like breaking things just for the fun of having something to fix?

Hayyy, kahirap talagang mamalimos, oo!


:) (Napansin ko lang, puro reklamo ang ginagawa ko sa blogs ko ngayon.  Hmmm, maybe I&#…

PSYCHED UP

I was just watching Sunshine Cleaning like 5 minutes ago and Rose, the character that Amy Adams played, copes with her impossible situations by psyching herself up--telling herself that she can do anything, or something along the lines of being powerful.  I never tried that.  Does it really work getting all psyched up?  If those movies about coaches looking their players in the eye and telling them that they can do it, and the players do end up winning the game, have any resemblance to the truth, then maybe it does work.  But as I've said, I've never tried it, so I don't know anything.

So when I titled this blog entry PSYCHED UP, I was thinking about something else.  Actually, I was thinking about the exact opposite thing. I was thinking about how neurotic can one get before s/he crosses the line into becoming a psychotic. I was thinking about my mental patient back in nursing college who from day 1 called me Geraldine, and he told me that that was the name of her daughter…

BONE-TIRED

I crashed.  No, I don't mean it like the way a computer would crash. If I meant that, then I won't be here writing about it, right?
I went to bed after work last Friday and spent most of the night tiring my eyes out to be able to sleep.  I slept at around five in the morning, and woke up two hours later when the sun came shining through my curtains in full glaring glory, feeling as if I am hang-over.  The new medicine I am on has funny side effects.  You feel like you're having the worst morning sickness of your life, made even much worst by diarrhea and a hairsplitting headache.  But it does keep my blood sugar within normal and at least for the last two days, I have been free from the pain caused by my ovarian cysts.  So I guessed, there is no way to get the best of both worlds. I have to suffer the headache, the nausea, the dizziness, and the diarrhea, so I won't feel the cystic pain or so I won't die due to high blood sugar complications.  Sometimes, I wish I h…

CULTURE or CHARACTER?

The culture that I have learned from birth frown on repetitiveness.  If you repeat yourself a lot, people say, "Nalopti ka ngo!" That statement that is usually exclaimed with the appropriate irritated tone literally means "How inside-out you are!"  Doesn't make any sense in the literal English.  Usually, there are two interpretations about a person that is 'nalopti' or 'nalotik' in other Kalanguya dialects (but I think that is a loan word from our sister language Ibaloi).

The first interpretation is that the person who keeps repeating himself is deaf, and that is okay. That is not so critical.  But when one keeps asking a questions when the answer was already clearly stated the first time, it means that he does not trust the answer to be right, and so he keeps asking the same question over and over.

I for one don't like too much repetition; you could blame it on my Igorotness (Kalanguyaness in particular), and maybe a little bit of my pers…

Headaches and movies

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Watching a movie is supposed to relax you.  So when I got a terrible headache late this afternoon, I stopped working and checked out my movie folders. I saw one actromcom movie but the headache's still there, so I saw another which was a drama, and the headache got worst, so I opted to see a fantasy/adventure which was Narnia-like (well, only cuz it has chronicles in the title) and the grilling in my head did not go away.  I therefore conclude that I must have watched the wrong movies... hahayyy!  I should have tried a horror flick instead.

With all these movie marathon I've been doing, I've also been suffering from the-last-song syndrome for a couple of nights now.  Couldn't stop myself from humming or singing the songs that are played while the credits are rolling.  Like the second movie I saw tonight, one line of it says,  "Funny, ... falling feels like flying........... for a li'l while."  I think the lyricist was so clever, coming up with that.  In an…

ER ... almost

I almost asked my husband to take me to the ER today, (although from past experiences, the ER in the hospitals in this side of the world aren't that encouraging either) after I felt a sudden chest pain, weakness in my limbs, dizziness, and nausea, which are all indicative of a heart attack.  Now, why in the world would I get a heart attack? Well, yes!  I am not the healthiest person, but heart attack?  So I decided to wait it out a little and see how it goes, telling myself to breathe in and out because it came to a point where all my awareness was focused on the crushing pressure on my chest that makes it so difficult to breathe. I voraciously searched the net for any possible diagnosis of the symptoms I was presenting and came across a forum where people with similar symptoms posted what their doctors found out (or mostly what they did not find out) and some remedies they've tried that somehow alleviated the discomfort.  A lot of them said it might be trapped gas that is cau…

GANDANG IGOROTA spirit

From this point on, I will only be blogging about the beauty, goodness, kindness, prejudices, characteristics, experiences, and personality of an Igorota.  That was my first purpose for creating this blog anyway.  In a sense, I'm just going back to my roots.  Let's see what I will be able to come up with.



mY Synapses...

Fact and Fiction

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If you will allow me to speak a little bit exaggerated, I would say that there is a coup d' etat brewing around me. I was barely a few hours back and I was bombarded with issues and negativism that threatened to dislodge my footing. People came carrying their own versions of stories and I had no way of knowing what is really going on. I could not help asking why people can't just live and let live.  Why does someone has to be stronger than the other?  Why do you have to be more connected than the next person?  It boggles the mind why people don't just love one another and think the best of their friends, neighbors, co-workers, and fellow human beings.  I had my circle so small hoping to taste a semblance of peace in my little world but no matter how small I make my world, "world peace" is still just a dream.

How do you not believe a family?  How do you not see a friend? (I meant "see" in the Avatar sense of the word.) What do you do when your friends an…

home finally

I arrived home to an empty house at midnight last night.  Poor me! Hehehe

Yesterday, we dressed up (in my thinking anyway) for the agreement signing between our organization and another one in the business district of Makati.  So I went to Makati twice in a row for two days: the first time I went to meet my future boss when I teach a linguistics course next year, and then the second time for the MOA signing. I was nervous the first few minutes to be face to face with BIG people but I told myself, what the heck, I might be the poorest there but pagdating sa langit, parepareho lang kami! Hehe!  Well, one of them has a bullet proof car and a body guard, so you can imagine the environment.  But what's amazing is that those rich people are really nice. :)

After the signing, our group tried to make it to the 3PM bus headed north, but to our dismay, the bus left without us, and my husband who made the ticket reservations was calling me nonstop and sounding irritated too.  LOL... The reas…

...used to...

You read me like a paper
You hear me loud and clear
You hold me so near
You treat me nice and fair
You loved me so dear
At least, you used to, then you disappear.

It used to be that:
In my dismay, you were my encourager
In my weakness, you were my strength-giver
In my darkness, you were a beacon of light
In the storms I've faced, you were a sure anchor
In my life, you were one of my greatest fines.

Why then did you become my Waterloo?
Cuz my heart bleeds every time I remember you
I wish I have never known one such as you
One who has turned my days so bleak and blue.

My heart had loved you with all it has
I have esteemed you so high in my eyes
My lips have prayed, you the Lord would bless
You were a content of my proud stories
So never have I thought we would end up like this.

My mind goes back to the time
When your love and high opinion were mine
Many moons ago my life was on the line
But you were constant, you never left me behind
So I wish the sun would usher in a dawn
When you…

...now...

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Many days have passed me by
Yet here I am unable to say goodbye
My mind keeps going back to the time
When life was neat and fine
The joy that's used to be mine
Is in that place where it was left behind.

I've always been the strong one
Able to weather most storms,
Never really been blown away
Able to cut down her losses and move on
But now it feels like that might be because
I have never really won.

So I ask my eyes why it cannot behold happiness
I ask my ears why it does not hear laughter
Why my feet never arrive at the place where joy is plenty
And my hands cannot take a hold of love
All I have are days and years that had left me empty.

So please give me this one more chance
Carry me in your arms
Show me a hopeful day
Tell me I have not lost my way
Give me this one more chance
And please hold me by your side
Til I am able to fly again
With You.

(Just an exaggerated ramblings of one homesick soul.)

HOT! HOT! HOT!

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Lunch today was sooo HOT! Hot in the palatal sense of the word. Yesterday, I had an interesting seaweed-in-my-food experience that caused me multiple trips to the "throne room." But it's all good now! So today, after we got our minds to a point where it was on the verge of unarrangeable (I know that's not a word, hehe) confusion regarding the endless endings of a Greek Verb, I went with colleagues to a nearby cafe inside Payap University, and I ordered what everyone else was having, rice with pork roast and fried basil toppings and an Ice Mocha.

The first taste was sooo good! And the second taste, better,

.... but the third down to the last bite was like kissing or licking the door of hell. Of course I'm not saying, hell has a door. :D But the insides of my mouth started to burn to the point of numbness that I no longer can think. And my friend who's enjoying her plate kept saying, 'Hot ha! But delicious!' and I kept blowing, "Hoooooh!!&…

"it's all greek to me"

Yayy, I barely made it! I barely managed to sign in to this blog because my browser is in Thai script and I can't decipher a thing.

My companions and I arrived in Chiang Mai via Bangkok late in the evening of Saturday. That was just 3 days ago but here I am again, feeling like I've been here too long already. I have eaten Pad Thai for two consecutive lunches, like the addict that I am, but at lunch today, a friend told me to try something else and she ordered three kinds of dishes that were all hot and spicy and 'interesting' that now, I had to make trips to the throne room so frequently. I think this was caused by the dish that has something darkish and kind of fishy (in the literal sense of the word). When I asked what it was, I was told it's a seaweed. Back home, I only eat "ar-arosip" and agar-agar, so maybe it was the weeds unfamiliarity with my stomach that has brought about the churning of my insides.

So I'm here, trying to learn more abou…

?WHY?

You were like the sun
Rising from the far horizon
A sure source of light
The picture of perfect delight.

You traversed the cloudless sky
Shiny and perfect in my eye
So why did you become the moonlight
Casting dark shadows in the night.

A thorn in my flesh, a pebble in my shoe
The wrinkle in my brow, an arrow in the bow
Energy-zapper, loneliness-giver
Tear-causer, heartbreaker.

Why do my tears have to run dry?

Why do my days have to be dreary?
Why does my heart needs to bleed out?
Why do I have to be in the outside looking in?
Why do you have to hurt me over and over?
With a treatment that is colder than the worst winter.

I bless the day you became to me like a mother,
I curse the day you became a green-horned-monster.
May I never become like you ever...

 My tears will keep falling, my heart will keep breaking
Because...
You have ruined everything that is good in you and me.


Author Unknown





mY Synapses...

my quiet visitor

Last night in the middle of a downpour
A visitor knocked on my backdoor
She was wearing a shroud, tears brimming in her eyes
I was waiting for her the other day
But unexpectedly, she came yesterday
Grief.

Shrinks say that I should embrace her
Because holding her hand is letting go
That talking about her will heal my soul
Crying because of her is healthy
And ignoring her is folly
But what do I know?

She grips your heart and you cannot breathe
She blinds your eyes with tears and you cannot see
She makes you stare into nothingness and you cannot think
She embraces you and you cannot break free.

Maybe time is indeed the healer
Yet I know from before, Grief leaves you never
She goes, and back she comes like a lover
Yet she offers no solace, not even a pray'r.

So weep, my soul
Tomorrow is another day...

Dad

My dad died today. It was so sudden, my mind is still reeling at the suddenness of it. He was ok, one moment, and now he's gone. I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's gone!

EXes

For a few days, I abstained from logging on to my Facebook account and if I did, it was only to update my status. As a result of my absence, some people wondered. One of the people who kind of got worried was an ex-boyfriend who has become a very good friend and his other ex girlfriend who was also an old friend of mine in High School. So when I finally got back in circulation, I heard that my EX is coming back to the country very soon and that he wants to see me and his other ex and his old friends. I told my old friend (who does not know that I am also an ex of her ex, lol) that I won't be able to make it so she'll have to give Mr. Ex a hug from me. And then she panicked. And I don't know why... :)

I was just thinking, it's funny how life turned out for the three of us. I used to be so jealous of my high school friend (but you see, I was the one who brought them together when I learned that my friend has a crush on the guy. The guy and I used to live in the sam…

TIME KILLS ALL ... it seems

Last week, my hubby borrowed a car from a very generous ninang so that we can go around town collecting boxes for hundreds of library books that we were hauling into our Center.  Since B was unfamiliar with the car, the car went dead on him three times while we were in the middle of the road when he tried to shift gears.

The last three months has been unbelievable and I was left catching my breath even at this time into the fourth month. I wanted to go to neutral but it seems that if I shift gears, my motor will stop running. So here I am chasing time but I feel like I'm running without ever getting to the finish line, wondering if there is even a finish line.

There is just no time to kill, and so time is killing me.. and now I'm wondering how I got here.

Procrastination, one of my most dominant character has gotten me in trouble yet again.  With the risk of sounding defensive (none of your business since this is me  ranting in my blog, hehe), the procrastination has a valid…

Mother's Day mis-Thoughts

I was surfing the net one time when I came across a page that was all about the British princes. In an interview, Prince Harry was asked about how he is doing without his mom Princes Di. One of the things he said was that it is strange and sad and one of the reasons he said it's strange is because Mother's Day is no longer meaningful to him.

I still have a mother, thank God, but if I am honest, I would admit that mother's day lost half of its meaning for me. For me, it is a sad reminder of what could have been. A time that forces me to feel the pain of non-motherhood... a heartbreaking nostalgia reminiscent of the heartache caused by the loss of a chance, a hope, a love, and a whole different life.. all of which went out the window when I loss him who could have been the reason for me to be smiling now when I hear or read the greetings 'Happy Mother's Day.'

However, the past is gone but the future is yet to unfold... so I guess the best thing to say right now…

72-hours 'til dawn

My come-and-go memory seemed to have recorded a movie I saw in early High School with the title "83-hours til dawn." I do not remember the story but what's imprinted on my mind was a scene where the protagonist was wading across a pond one very dark night while his enemies were in pursuit of him. Well, that has nothing to do with this blog entry. It's just to give credit to the title that I have borrowed.

Today at the dinner table, we were told by our hosts about a horrible story that happened in this village while we were safe in bed last night, when a man was poisoned to death by his drinking buddy; errr enemy I guessed. The man was forced to drink an acid of some kind and he died after 24 hours of torture where his mouth and all his skin that was touched by the acid was sloughed off and rotted in 24 hours. Inside, the poison must have eaten into his intestines which caused his tummy to bloat into an explosive proportions. After that story was told, our hosts …

may i go home now?

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I knew this would happen! It happens every time, that is! But I never get used to it. I'm talking about being unable to sustain the fascination to a new place beyond two days.

So I have been in a paradise-like village surrounded by scenic hills in the distance and I was so thrilled to have been given the opportunity to come for free and everything (not to mention that the food's great too) but after two days, I was getting all kinds of energy-zapping thoughts of home. I'm still here but, 5 days hence, I'll be going home. Here are some pictures of this place.









THANKS

THANKS

Life is not so unkind after all
When you’ve gone away
Everything for me was just
A blurry perspective.

After ours had fallen apart
There was no getting over you
You’ve torn my heart into shreds
‘til I found out there is life after you.

Thanks for breaking my heart
Thanks for betraying my trust
Thanks for pushing me out of your way
I never have found him
If not for all that you did to me.

Now that I’m up and about
Here’s a love worth living for
You may not believe this
But I love him more than
I ever loved you before.

(Another song that was a lie at the time it was written. It only came true four years later.)
Here i am again
Wond’ring about everything
Did i really left
Or just been here all along
Dreamin’ about you.

But here i am still
Wide awake and thinkin’ about you
Pretending that everything’s goin’ fine
As the sun rises from the east
I will do fine.

I know you’ve made up your mind
And i’m sure you’re not coming back
When we broke each other’s heart
Destiny has planned it
From now on
We will always be apart.

Wherever you are
In case you’re thinking about me
Always remember
The love we have shared
It was in the past
but still in memory.


Ironheart/Christmas’97


(This is a song I co-wrote with a friend of mine. I wrote the lines after I accepted the fact that what R&I had was irrevocably over. But when my musician friend read it, he wrote a music.)

PARANOIA of a BROKEN HEART

In the waters of fantasy the shadows march
As the dark waves of dreams keep twirling in an arch
The rivers of joy had long been dried up
Peals of sorrow struck like a loud thunder clap.

In the depths of the grave the ghost awakes
As the leaves are gathered, and the fire awaits
Tears were shed as the heavens cried
Drowning not the grief as it tries to hide.

In the fires of anger hope burnt away
As the hands of bitterness grip the heart all the way
Slabs of unforgiveness blocks the mind's highway
Blocks all the hurts, but keeps happiness at bay.

(Written for a friend who cried his heart out to me because of a love lost.)

ALTAR OF MY HEART

Altar of my Heart

My breath you gave me back
Snatched me up from the quicksand of death
My love of life were leaves in autumn
Waiting for the winter’s night to take me home.

Yet you’re the sand in the seashore that tickles my toes
You are the whites and the reds of the rose
Your love caused my soul to hibernate
When it’s all ready to shutdown and crash.

You set up a home deep in my heart
To live again on a fresh start
You are the flame that lights my path
A love offering in the altar of my heart.

(I wrote this while with Ex-No.2. Most of the lines are for God, but inspired by what I feel at the time for A.)

A LIE

Love can’t be this bad, can it?
Yes it can be when it comes to me and you
Me? Well, I’m not missing you
Cuz I wake up at 5:30
Take a bath at 6:00
I eat noodles at 6:15
And dress myself up to 6:45
Preparing my notes follows
Then off to school at 7:15.

I listen to teachers’ chit chat
From 7:30-12:30
I eat my lunch at 1:00
Shuffle the cards or wash my clothes
Scan my notes, chat with my roommate
Crack jokes and laugh at supper time.

I prepare myself for bed
Brush my teeth and wash my face
Turn off the lights, wear sweaters and socks
Draw the covers over me
And sleep like a baby ‘til 5:30.

Now you tell me how can I miss you
When I keep a very busy day?

DESERTED

You thought your life is a wilderness
But in your heart, I found an oasis
And our love has grown and thrived
When you welcomed me inside.

I dreamt of sharing your awesome desert
To keep its rugged beauty in my heart
To be blinded by its raging sandstorms
And to leave my footprints in its sand dunes.

A north wind will blow and even out my prints
But before that, may you come back to reminisce
And see the two of us frolicking in the sand
As we wish to ride the sunset hand in hand.

But here we are, the sun has risen in fury
Will you let it burn us in such a hurry?
Why not build a shelter that would shade our hearts
So that even in the desert, we could make it last.


these lines were written after a big fight that resulted to a cooling-off, that resulted to a break-up... with whom? i don't seem to remember... ;-)

Still for R

Heavens eyes has bestowed a smile upon us
More so that He took your hand to reach me out
Alas, miles and oceans come between us, but LOVE
As strong as the waves permeates our hearts
Love conquers all, once again… proven without a doubt.

Romance, haven’t I turned my back on you? Haven’t I…
Locked my heart away, never to let anyone break in? But now,
Granted, I have fallen hopelessly for him.
Gone with the wind, as Scarlet said, were my heartaches and fears
Interlude of joy, intense longing, my heart cries out to be with him.

Each day is a gift, a promise to keep
Everlasting love, memories to cherish
I pledge to you, I will be true, I will stay
Pure, until the day, you
Reach my hand and vow to love and keep me…
Eternally.

A VALENTINE SPECIAL

I was thinking about changing the face of this blog to fit the valentine mood of the month but I thought back at how it bored me in the past when I tried to put back my links and other features in the page, and so I decided against it. Perhaps it would be better to do a series of blog on love. But then I thought again, and there was really nothing I could write about the subject that the great poets and great novelists and playwrights have not already written. What then am I to do when I am second-guessing myself at every idea that comes in this shell of mine? Well, maybe a few stories about the loves of some people I know, but then I would need permission to do that. That made me decide that I'll just share some moments in the times when the three great loves of life happened. Hah!

I got this idea when it occurred to me that in the last few months, my exes were able to get in touch with me and the friendly talks we had had kind of helped me to lay my ghosts to rest. As in ev…

unScrabbling again

I was playing a lot of scrabble lately but last night (it's 2:58AM) was extraordinary. Yes, very,... in the sense that most of the players I played with were very rude. Over a year ago, I stopped playing because some players would just say things to you that are too offensive. I know you're not supposed to get hurt but if you're not used to such a 'language', your heart would suffer. So I stopped playing but I picked up the game again a week ago, just playing with the one person I know but then he's not always online so naturally, I sought games and played with strangers. Then last night, I played with someone who was way below my rating but there was no one in the room so I had no choice. I beat him the first time, then I said thank you and bye, but he/she challenged me to another game, and then another. S/he beat me one time. On our third game, he said, "You depend too much on bingoes," to which I replied,"Yup!" Then after I beat hi…

death and regrets

Hubby and I just got back from my grandmother's funeral in the village where I was born. We went last Monday on B's motorbike prayerfully hoping that we will be able to get there without too much 'action' or 'drama' along the way. We left at half past 9 and arrived at 12:30PM. Being the careful person that he is, my hubby asks me to walk when we get to a portion of the road that has deep ruts (he calls it Fill-in-the-blanks)or those parts of 75 degrees ascent with loose gravel (more like boulders) :). It was easier going up than coming down. We only fell once on a muddy part of the road going up, but when we came down, the bike skidded a lot of times and I fell majorly three times. No major damage though, just a painful butt, and purple bruises on my legs.

In the Kalanguya tradition, death is not only a time of mourning but of family (clan) reunion as well. Relatives who reside in far areas usually come home to the ancestral home to be with the family and …

tough deal

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There is much to say but no words can seem to capture the heaviness in my heart right now, so i'll just babble about my trip down south.

Last December 28, I found out that you can be happy for one person and be heartbroken by that same person at the same time. There is this wedding I went to and I knew beforehand that it would be strange to be seeing the girl marching towards the altar where a 'different' groom is waiting for her. But I never expected that I would react or rather that my lacrimal glands would react the way they did when I heard the bridal march and the congregation was told to rise to welcome the bride. She glided into the hall not with the traditional bridal march but with Shania Twain's From This Moment, and by the second line of the song, I was already wiping tears, not because I was happy but because my heart was breaking for this other guy whom we in the family have always expected to be the one waiting for the bride at the altar. (I learned last …