MARGIENARY

People think that I am this truly put-together person.  What they don't know is that 90% of the time, I am barely able to contain the cyclone raging inside my head. A storm of self-defeating thoughts, of past shame, of past sins, of past abuses, of past anger that can sometimes boil up to a point where it becomes this one explosion of outburst followed by a season of angry depression. People think I usually know what I am doing. What they don't understand is that inside I am just a heap of nerves pretending to be self-confident and sure of herself. People seem to believe that my devil-may-care attitude is real. They do not know that I care and get hurt about every sarcastic, unkind, patronizing remark or joke that I hear. I get constant headaches that make me a bitch. If you ask me to do you a favour or get something for you in one of those times, you will meet the unkindest version of me. I hate jokes that are not funny, especially the ones where one has to shut down o...

This is not a proper story. I just wanted to honor someone for the goodness and kindness of his heart, and so here goes.  I usually get weird after undergoing some sort of a difficulty, be it about work, health, or emotionally draining situations. Therefore, I was not surprised to find myself in such a state since this week begun when I saw from FB that a person who has been an important part of my world is in one of the most tragic and heartbreaking situations one could ever be thrown into, suddenly. I started discerning that something has gone wrong with someone I care about when I suddenly felt a physical pain shot to my core and my knees buckled as I was trying to balance 6  styrocups of hot coffee and my cellphone while I was descending an airport escalator.  For some reason, I knew in my heart this person is in pain before I even saw the post in FB about what happened. It does not help either that  I was mentally beat after an intense and mind-numbing endeav...

How did I end up here?  I have now become an angry mess with a bitterness that puts ampalaya to shame. I am angry at people who owe me lots and abused my kindness. Did I allow them to? Is it my fault that I could not say no to needy relatives?  Maybe. But I was just trying to be kind so I believed them and their empty promises. I am angry at people who used to be kind and were able to read me like their morning FB feeds.  Now they seem to choose to misinterpret my actions and my words.  I am angry at people who used to be someone to me but have now chosen to become strangers. I am angry at my life, for being neck-deep in debt because I work in a job that does not take care of my family's needs when in fact I could be compensated better for what I do, if I am not a commitment-honouring fool, who would die first before breaking a vow. I am angry, I am sad, I am done....so so done. mY Synapses...

1. No matter how sincere you think you are, the worst apology you can ever say is, "I am sorry, but I don't know what for!"  During a conflict, when you decide to take the high road and apologize eventhough you are 100% convinced and 100% sure that you did nothing wrong, then by all means, be the bigger person and apologize but be sure you are apologizing to help the other person and not to excuse yourself or just to make sure the other person realize how stupid they are for getting unnecessarily offended when whatever you did was not meant to hurt them, or even meant for them. mY Synapses...

...in life, a time comes when you doubt everything.. the path that brought you where you are; the commitments and promises you made, whether you have done enough in keeping them, or whether it is time to stop, revisit, and maybe make new ones. You doubt the knowledge and skills you have accumulated so far. You ask yourself if they are helping to make you grow or they are only  holding you back from where you should or need to be. You doubt your sanity. You doubt the people in your life. You doubt yourself. Are you enough? Are you through? Are you still necessary? Are you still an asset or have you become a liability?  Is it worth it? Holding on, that is! Are you done or are you done for? Do you still have something to give or should you just accept that it is now a fact that you have ran out of faith, of love, of hope? Will joy ever smile at you again? Will direction ever be clear to you again? Will life go on? Will love conquer all? Will the darkness lift when morning comes? ...

mY Synapses...

I am sad. I am not asking for sympathy. I am not trying to be negative. I am just sad, I just wanna go under and never resurface again. I am sad, I wanna die. I have been and wanna for nearly 10 years now. And that is a fact. Thank you, Lord, for my Baby Boy. He is the only reason keeping me here because I know he needs me. He is my world, my universe, my saving grace, eversince You blessed me with him. But that does not keep me from being sad. It just keeps me from completely losing it... From totally calling it quits. And I guess I wrote it here and not on facebook because nobody comes here, and no one will understand there. Well, probably some, but I am sure, that all I will get is disbelief, maybe words that I don't need right now, and will probably cause discouragement to people. So, I am destined to suffer it alone. Yes, Jesus is there, and I am supposed to be comforted in that, but right now, there is nothing here nor there... ..all this in the middle of w...