CHOICES

I received an email from a certain butterfly, and the butterfly okayed for me to blog it. The butterfly said that she got her heart broken for the nth time but this time the culprit has tore it with its bare hands, spat on it, stepped on it, threw it into a furnace and burnt it (parang kanta yun ah!). Anyway, now that the butterfly has picked up a little speed in her recovery, she believes that 60% of it was her fault, maybe even greater than that.
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This is the story of the butterfly:
“I am married but I fell for this spider who seemed to be all the man that I dreamed my partner to be. I have dedicated 99% of my time to him, .5% to my work, and .5% to everything else. Yes, I know, it's insane but I was insane in the first place. I didn't have any rights falling for someone else being married and all but anyway I did.

In my eyes, this spider was everything my husband is not; but one day, I received a message from an insect telling me that we are in the same murky situation. I was flabbergasted of course and didn't know what to think. So I wrote to this dragonfly and asked her to tell me her story. To make the story short I found out that we were being three-timed. The spider told me that he is not married and all that, yet all the while he is very much married and carrying on an online affair with me and this dragonfly. Not a new story? Yeah, I know. IQ-wise, mine is superior but I can't believe I have been fooled with both my eyes open. This spider says something and I took it as gospel. He does something for me and I took it as a sacrifice. He writes something and I ate it like it's sacred. He fooled me or more like I let myself be fooled.
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What have I found out? IQ has got nothing to do with runaway emotions. Old news huh! Pardon me, I have proven it out just now. I am as lunatic as the next patient in a mental insti. I am as foolish as the next simpleton. And I am as hurt as the next girl betrayed. My question is, who gave this spider (who turned out to be a stinking black bug) the right to feed me with so much lies? Did I? Maybe I did. Who gave him the right to make me fall for him only to find out that I am being made to look like the biggest fool? Who gave him the right to apologize saying that he never lied to me, he only hid things? Is there a difference between outright lying and hiding the truth? He thinks there is. I think there is none. He said he has hidden things from me but that he never lied to me! However did he manage that is beyond me. See? I am such a stupid lunatic. Anyway, the relationship was a lie in the first place.
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In my foolishness, I believed that when one is honest and sincere, people will automatically be the same. What planet did I come from, you asked, to have all this simple ideas? Yeah, I know now, I am so stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! But I thought I did love him, the spider that I thought I knew.

MI KOMENTO:
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First of all, don't be too hard on yourself. Forgiving oneself is difficult but you'll have to do it sometime soon if you want a full recovery. I would categorize your case as an emotional unfaithfulness, since it is an online affair. I won't rave on how stupid of you (sorry ha, :) to readily believe in something or someone like that cuz really, there are some sincere ones, but most are just having a good time so I'll just say Thank Heavens, yours ended before it's too late.

Usually, when we get together with someone, we have pre-conceived ideas in our heads that we think our partners ought to be. When we are inlove, we convince ourselves that our partners are like that.... that they are everything we expect them to be. But when we live together for a few months or even a few weeks, we find out that most of it is just an idea that we have. The reality is that the person we have in mind is so different from that person in our bed. (That is why when everything between you and your spider fell apart, you found out that you actually loved an idea in your head.) So we look for this idea somewhere else and then sometimes we'd convince ourselves again that we have found him. But then again, something will happen and we'll wake up from this other dream... and it just goes on and on.
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In my marriage, I learned that Love is a choice I have to make everyday. For myself, I resolved to love my husband and not look at what he is not but to learn more about who he is and choose to be happy with what we have together... because he is probably doing the same thing for me. We need to discover more things about our mates, learn and participate in their interests, e.g. watch PBA with them (but you don't need to root for the same team) even if you so want to watch your soap opera, or The Buzz, or Sharon, or Deal or No Deal. I know people say 'I want to find someone who will accept me and love me as I am." Good! Do the same. Be someone like that. Accept and love your mate as he is. And then tell him you love him every chance you get. (Kahit pawis na pawis galing sa paglalaro ng basketball, bulungan mo na mahal mo siya.) I know it sounds a bit naive, even corny to some but I am not addressing cases of battery, consummated unfaithfulness, and complicated things like that. I am addressing the simple discontent in most marriages like butterfly's.

As I was saying, it is easier to notice the little negative things than to see the good things in one's partner especially when you set your heart on seeing this person you have in your head. But we always have a choice. You have to choose to accept and love him everyday. CHOOSING TO LOVE is the name of the game when it comes to successful relationships. Relationship ends when a couple stopped making a choice for (not against) the relationship. After all, true love is a thing of the disciplined mind, not a feeling of the most-of-the-time undecided and two timing heart.

So my advise to you, dear butterfly would be to stop dreaming about spiders. Make your dreams come true with this catterpillar (hehehe) on your bed, at your breakfast table, in your shower, sitting beside you on a bus seat, and this man who gets hurt when you put passwords on your laptop and your files. This man smiling at you in the pictures in your wedding album. This man who might have suspected that your heart has been beating for someone else but stayed there in control and respectful of you and your family. This man who honored you with his name. This man is your husband.

It’s quite a journey, what you’ve been through, Butterfly. Sometimes, we need a liar to make us realize that we do love the man we married. So “From now on, resolve to walk with him all the way… fool that you are.” (Hehe, peace!)

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(Thanks for allowing me to blog this. People can learn from our experiences. )