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AMPALAYA

How did I end up here? 

I have now become an angry mess with a bitterness that puts ampalaya to shame. I am angry at people who owe me lots and abused my kindness. Did I allow them to? Is it my fault that I could not say no to needy relatives?  Maybe. But I was just trying to be kind so I believed them and their empty promises.

I am angry at people who used to be kind and were able to read me like their morning FB feeds.  Now they seem to choose to misinterpret my actions and my words.  I am angry at people who used to be someone to me but have now chosen to become strangers.

I am angry at my life, for being neck-deep in debt because I work in a job that does not take care of my family's needs when in fact I could be compensated better for what I do, if I am not a commitment-honouring fool, who would die first before breaking a vow.

I am angry, I am sad, I am done....so so done.


mY Synapses...

Lessons on Human Nature 2018

1. No matter how sincere you think you are, the worst apology you can ever say is, "I am sorry, but I don't know what for!"  During a conflict, when you decide to take the high road and apologize eventhough you are 100% convinced and 100% sure that you did nothing wrong, then by all means, be the bigger person and apologize but be sure you are apologizing to help the other person and not to excuse yourself or just to make sure the other person realize how stupid they are for getting unnecessarily offended when whatever you did was not meant to hurt them, or even meant for them.




mY Synapses...

who are YOU

...in life, a time comes when you doubt everything.. the path that brought you where you are; the commitments and promises you made, whether you have done enough in keeping them, or whether it is time to stop, revisit, and maybe make new ones. You doubt the knowledge and skills you have accumulated so far. You ask yourself if they are helping to make you grow or they are only  holding you back from where you should or need to be. You doubt your sanity. You doubt the people in your life. You doubt yourself. Are you enough? Are you through? Are you still necessary? Are you still an asset or have you become a liability?  Is it worth it? Holding on, that is! Are you done or are you done for? Do you still have something to give or should you just accept that it is now a fact that you have ran out of faith, of love, of hope? Will joy ever smile at you again? Will direction ever be clear to you again? Will life go on? Will love conquer all? Will the darkness lift when morning comes? Will the…

Need you now ~ Plumb (Lyrics) [How many times]

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mY Synapses...
I am sad.
I am not asking for sympathy.
I am not trying to be negative.
I am just sad, I just wanna go under and never resurface again.
I am sad, I wanna die.
I have been and wanna for nearly 10 years now.

And that is a fact.

Thank you, Lord, for my Baby Boy. He is the only reason keeping me here because I know he needs me. He is my world, my universe, my saving grace, eversince You blessed me with him.

But that does not keep me from being sad. It just keeps me from completely losing it...
From totally calling it quits.

And I guess I wrote it here and not on facebook because nobody comes here, and no one will understand there. Well, probably some, but I am sure, that all I will get is disbelief, maybe words that I don't need right now, and will probably cause discouragement to people.


So, I am destined to suffer it alone. Yes, Jesus is there, and I am supposed to be comforted in that, but right now, there is nothing here nor there...

..all this in the middle of working on God'…

..a wretched wretched day...

Do the cells in our bodies remember their pain even when the mind itself (which is also made up of cells) has chosen to forget? I have been wondering why I have been like a volcano that stayed dormant for a century but is now erupting nonstop and spewing sulfur and hot lava with just the slightest provocation.For the last two days, I can feel that something has been on the back of my mind that could not seem to burst through to the front. I feel nothing but melancholy, a sadness in my spirit for which a specific reason I could not seem to put my finger on; a feeling of wretchedness and despondency that is so encompassing I only get up from bed when my 6-year old says he needs help with something. I am aware of the gloominess in my soul and that I should deal with it, rather than exploding at everyone at every turn, but I seem to be consciously making an effort to keep my mind from acknowledging that there is something that is making me feeling the way I feel--mournful and desolate. Th…

Bad days good days

Yesterday, I found out that no matter how old you get, you still fight the same. I am talking about getting into a fight with someone you have known all your life.  I also found out that the same things make you tick from since you were little up to now that you are an adult. The intensity of your reaction and response may vary, depending on your emotional maturity but basically for me, I have never really changed in the way I respond to a certain person when that person offends me.  
Respect is earned, they say, and that is true, but some types of respect are granted because of a particular relationship, and these kinds which are freely given without being earned are the most difficult to restore once it is lost.  It goes the same with trust.  I trusted and respected some people because they are my flesh and blood. Based on that I trusted them to keep their words and respect me the way I respect them, but lo and behold, some chose to take advantage of me. 
I have lost my respect to …