I am sad.
I am not asking for sympathy.
I am not trying to be negative.
I am just sad, I just wanna go under and never resurface again.
I am sad, I wanna die.
I have been and wanna for nearly 10 years now.

And that is a fact.

Thank you, Lord, for my Baby Boy. He is the only reason keeping me here because I know he needs me. He is my world, my universe, my saving grace, eversince You blessed me with him.

But that does not keep me from being sad. It just keeps me from completely losing it...
From totally calling it quits.

And I guess I wrote it here and not on facebook because nobody comes here, and no one will understand there. Well, probably some, but I am sure, that all I will get is disbelief, maybe words that I don't need right now, and will probably cause discouragement to people.

So, I am destined to suffer it alone. Yes, Jesus is there, and I am supposed to be comforted in that, but right now, there is nothing here nor there...

..all this in the middle of working on God'…

..a wretched wretched day...

Do the cells in our bodies remember their pain even when the mind itself (which is also made up of cells) has chosen to forget? I have been wondering why I have been like a volcano that stayed dormant for a century but is now erupting nonstop and spewing sulfur and hot lava with just the slightest provocation.For the last two days, I can feel that something has been on the back of my mind that could not seem to burst through to the front. I feel nothing but melancholy, a sadness in my spirit for which a specific reason I could not seem to put my finger on; a feeling of wretchedness and despondency that is so encompassing I only get up from bed when my 6-year old says he needs help with something. I am aware of the gloominess in my soul and that I should deal with it, rather than exploding at everyone at every turn, but I seem to be consciously making an effort to keep my mind from acknowledging that there is something that is making me feeling the way I feel--mournful and desolate. Th…

Bad days good days

Yesterday, I found out that no matter how old you get, you still fight the same. I am talking about getting into a fight with someone you have known all your life.  I also found out that the same things make you tick from since you were little up to now that you are an adult. The intensity of your reaction and response may vary, depending on your emotional maturity but basically for me, I have never really changed in the way I respond to a certain person when that person offends me.  
Respect is earned, they say, and that is true, but some types of respect are granted because of a particular relationship, and these kinds which are freely given without being earned are the most difficult to restore once it is lost.  It goes the same with trust.  I trusted and respected some people because they are my flesh and blood. Based on that I trusted them to keep their words and respect me the way I respect them, but lo and behold, some chose to take advantage of me. 
I have lost my respect to …

On the acceptability of the word 'Tribu' among ethnic groups in Luzon

In my language group (Kalanguya--Nueva Vizcaya, Benguet, Ifugao, Pangasinan provinces), the early translators opted to borrow 'tribu' from Ilocano to translate the 12 tribes of Israel.  We do have words (poli, bonat) which are roughly synonymous to the Tagalog 'lahi, angkan' but their range of meaning is wider than the 'tribe' term as intended in Hebrew.  "Poli" can  also mean customs, superstitions, traditions, animistic beliefs, while "bonat" usually  mean descendants or relatives. So to limit the meaning of 'poli' to a group of people descended from a common forefather', we use its verb form (inpoli ni hi Jacob), because to only say 'poli ni hi Jacob' would be confusing specially without context. (It could be understood as 'the superstitious beliefs of Jacob).  We say "hawal ni dowan tribun Israel (the 12 tribes of Israel)" and/or "waday hawal ni dowan tribu ni inpoli ni hi Jacob  (there are 12 tribe…

Two Lives

Crossroads, the strain in the mind it springs
To go left or right, forward or back, or perhaps to stay
Opposite arrows at a fork in the road
Trails and footprints in the heart, to ignore or discern
To the charm and bliss of  emotion, to surrender or stand your ground
To forget and bury the past or to reminisce and relive what is gone.
The head says to laugh, live, and love, for the present is here
Urging the face to smile, when the past rear its nostalgic face
Wisdom implores the heart to move on, for tomorrow may not
Yet the heart wrestles against all that cold practicalities
For the heart relishes the speed of its beats
The spine loves the jolt it gets from the surprise
The soul cherishes its butterflies at the thrill of affection
When passion is kindled, it raze and devour all caution.
But isn't there a compromise to beget
One that won't break the heart yet won't spurn the wise
Two separate lives, two solitary worlds
You will live in your world, I will live in mine,

At least say Hi!

Do you have people in your FB friends list who keep sending you long devotionals or news without even having a personal conversation with you ever since you accepted their friend request?  I have been receiving a considerable number of chain messages in my private messaging box and today I got so irritated that I started to write a status message on Facebook about it.  But then I thought better of it, and so I cut it from there and decided to come and reflect here.  This was what I wrote:

"To Whom It May Concern: Please stop forwarding chain messages to my inbox, even ones which you think I might be interested in. It is annoying to see very long copied and pasted stuff from people who don't even bother to say Hello!"

It was a mild rebuke I know but I thought of the bitter taste it might leave some of my friends who would chance at it and how I would be causing the same irritation these chain messages caused in me. Therefore, I decided against it. It is always good for me…