DAY OF MISSING YOU MUCH

To My Unborn:

I had the weirdest dream last night as I lay in bed with the storm raging outside my window. It was a dream about us, so wherever in heaven you are, this is for you.

In my dream, your dad and I was walking some distance from the seaside of some exotic island. There were all kinds of shapes dancing in the sand as the leaves of the towering coconut trees sway with the wind. I can feel the warmth of the sun blazing hot from the heavens but it was toned down by the gentle breeze that comes with the splashes of waves as they embrace the rocks nearby. Your dad was holding my hand as we walk. As he held my hand, I can feel him tracing little circles on my palm sending little bits of lightning down and up my spine. Suddenly he stopped and took both of my hands in his and turned me to face him. We are out on the beach now and so I can just feel the hot rays of the sun like little ants biting the skin on my face.

Like the scenes in a movie the next scene in my dream was a picture of perfect sunset where the sky on the far horizon was turning deep orange then to a lighter red as the sun sank down to the sea. I saw a figure of a woman sillhouetted against the shadow of a tall coconut tree. She was there standing alone or so I thought. I called to her and when she turned I saw myself. On the crook of her arms was a little one smiling up at her. She was crooning to her baby as if trying to make him fall asleep. I turned and walked away with tears in my eyes as the other me continued to sing to her sweet one, knowing in my heart that you are not really there.

Then I felt the coldness and dampness on my cheek. I woke up with a start at the sound of howling winds as it blows the rain inside my room onto my pillows. I got up and closed my windows pulling the curtains drenched with rain. I went back to bed and curled up, trying not to shiver from the cold or maybe from the impact of what I saw in the last scene of my dream. For hours afterwards, I lay awake in bed pondering my dream. Tomorrow, I promised myself, I will try to let you go.

There, baby. Whatever happens, if in the future, near or far, we meet again, no matter what the circumstances of your unbirth were, no matter my absence, know and never forget that you were made in love. I love you from the very start. I love you until the end...

with you always,

Mom