NOT MEANT TO BE

As most of you know, I announced here two entries ago that after nearly four years of waiting, I finally was going to be a mother.  Now I have to unannounce it.  Four days ago, I suffered from the most terrible abdominal pain I've ever felt in my life and before passing out, I instructed my husband to clean me up, change my clothes and rush me to the hospital.  

I regained consciousness in the ER of the local hospital.  I was lying on a bed writhing in pain with my husband standing beside my bed trying to get attention from any of the hospital personnel who told him to carry me to a bed then forgot that I am there.  I learned later from B that we came to the hospital at 12:30PM but it was already at 1:45 when a nurse came to check my BP. Half an hour afterwards, a Dr. came to tell me that I seem to be suffering from hypogastric pain (duh!) typical of menstrual cramps.  I told her I'm sure it is not PMS because I'm pregnant and she might want to check and see if it is not ruptured ectopic pregnancy that is causing the horrible pain.  She said a UTI is most likely and if I am pregnant then the pain might be causing the womb to contract and so she's gonna prescribe a womb muscle relaxant and wait for the electricity to come back so she can order labworks on my blood and urine.  I argued that it's just too painful to be just an infection but of course part of me was prayerfully hoping that she's right.  But there was not much to go on believing that she's right cuz by that time my abdomen is getting bigger like a balloon being filled with water and my shoulders now joined the painful parts.  So they asked me if I want a private DR (that implies horrendous hospital bills and professional fees) but rather than risk passing out again while  waiting for the electricity that will power up the lab equipment which I'm almost sure will tell me that there are no hordes of bacteria attacking my urinary tract, I closed my eyes and said, "Yes, I would like a private doctor." (They are actually residents/medical practitioners in the same hospital that you have to pay a higher professional fee for medical attention. I mean like they should attend any patient anyway since they are being paid by the government to do so, but oh well, the evolution of public health practitioners).

Seconds later, my 'very own private doctor' came, smiled at the nearly unconscious patient, did some palpations (which are painful in themselves) here and there and declared that my 8-wk pregnancy was tubal and it has ruptured (I would have loved to blurt out I-told-you-so but it's good the other dr who insisted that i have a uti is not there, hehe), and so she needs me on the table fast because my peritoneal cavity is filling up with blood causing the ballooning of my abdomen, and also as evidenced by a positive culdocentesis that she did on me.  She rallied the nurses to prep me for emergency surgery and minutes later I was on the table getting laparotomically explored. Even if the surgical procedure was to remove my right ovary and fallopian tube, the dr asked my husband to consent to a bigger incision because she had to determine the extent of my internal bleeding. (So now I will have a ghastly 6-inches long scar in a few weeks.  Did I have to mention that here?  Actually no, but maybe I have too much pain-reliever in my brain right now.)

I was awake the whole time because when the anesthetist gave me the first dose of sedatives, my BP drastically went down to 70/60 so she can't sedate me anymore, she told me that I should not fight off the sedative she gave me cuz it's enough to put me to sleep.  I told her that maybe if she takes down that sheet sheilding my face from the rest of my body, i.e. if she let me see what the surgeon is doing down there, may be i'll get dizzy and fall asleep.  The lady got this horrified look on her face and literally ordered me to go to sleep, but then I won't cuz I can't so  she kept asking me if I feel anything from my chest down, and I reassured her that I feel the 'touches,' I hear the suctioning of blood but no pain.  I chose another person to badger, a gay nursing aide tasked to fan the surgeon while operating. (Remember, no electricity so no aircon.  Their back-up power was just enough to turn on the big lights above the OR table.  Yes, what a day to get surgically knifed!)  I kept asking the aide about what the surgeon was doing, and he kept nodding on my every question until the anesthetist told him off and asked me to go to sleep.

At 6pm, someone wheeled me into an empty green-walled room where my husband, my dad and one of my aunts were waiting for me.

Praises and thanks is due Him who never makes mistakes even in such times as this, when my humanness (humanity???) cannot grasp why when I thought He answered my prayers, it turned out that it was not the answer I've been waiting for.  Still I thank my God for the joy the last 8 weeks has brought to me and to all of you who love me and therefore rejoiced with Bong and me when you heard of my pregnancy.

Heaps and  heaps of thanks to all of you, family and friends who visited me in the hospital and got a sampling of how to turn a dead-weight to face the other side of the wall...

My gratitude to all of you whose thoughts and prayers were with me throughout my ordeal, who grieved with me and B for our lost.  May God bless you more and more.

Finally, thank you Best for your great great love.... I can never thank and serve you enough...

(I should rest now, I'm getting a terrible headache from lying too long on my side typing with one hand on my laptop which is tilted sideways.)

I'd appreciate continued prayers for fast healing and recovery, both physically and emotionally.  I'm still an invalid tied to my bed, being spoon-fed by my poor husband, and a trip to the toilet is nearly as physically challenging as scaling Mt. Everest, ok..ok.. just Mt. Apo!  Anyone knows a soft diet recipe other than porridge (rice, oatmeal) and gelatin?  I'm beginning to hate these two, and I'm supposed to be on this diet for two more weeks.  hellooooo!!!!!!