MARGIENARY

This will be my last blog about JJ.   I was talking to a friend online awhile ago and the friend asked me how it's going.  I replied that I think I'm at last moving on, and I believe I am.  The hole in my heart will always be there, and part of me will always weep for my baby but now I've accepted the loss and trying very hard to live with it. Acceptance has been the most difficult; not because I could not accept that he is gone but because I was not sure if his death was not partly my fault.  I have had to be assured time and time again that I did everything I could, and be sure in myself that there was really nothing that I could have done to prevent the loss of JJ, before I was able to stop shedding tears.  There were five straight nights when I thought my head would explode for asking too many what ifs over and over again.  What if I rested more?  What if I stayed in bed instead of going to a garage sale and being on my feet for hours?  What...

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I woke up this morning with drier eyes unlike yesterday morning when everything I see around the house seemed to drive me to tears: The cushion where I use to seat talking to JJ as he starts growing in my womb, the food and drinks that Bong eats but I kept myself from consuming to make sure no harm however little will come near my baby, the strange smelling vitamins I had to close my eyes to take in, just so that baby will have all the nutrients he needs to develop; even the toilet bowl where I spent a lot of time sitting on, because I had to drink quarts and quarts of water so that baby will have enough water to drink so his lungs, and limbs and digestive system may develop perfectly, the seven pillows in my bed where I use to put my legs up and the veges in my fridge, food that I hate but I eat anyway for JJ -- all of these bring tears to my eyes. But today, my second day home with an empty womb, I felt that I am slowly adjusting to the lost. I only teared once today, compared to y...

I woke up this morning with drier eyes unlike yesterday morning when everything I see around the house seemed to drive me to tears: The cushion where I use to seat talking to JJ as he starts growing in my womb, the food and drinks that Bong eats but I kept myself from consuming to make sure no harm however little will come near my baby, the strange smelling vitamins I had to close my eyes to take in, just so that baby will have all the nutrients he needs to develop; even the toilet bowl where I spent a lot of time sitting on, because I had to drink quarts and quarts of water so that baby will have enough water to drink so his lungs, and limbs and digestive system may develop perfectly, the seven pillows in my bed where I use to put my legs up and the veges in my fridge, food that I hate but I eat anyway for JJ -- all of these bring tears to my eyes. But today, my second day home with an empty womb, I felt that I am slowly adjusting to the lost. I only teared once today, compared to...