goodbye, JJ
This will be my last blog about JJ.
I was talking to a friend online awhile ago and the friend asked me how it's going. I replied that I think I'm at last moving on, and I believe I am. The hole in my heart will always be there, and part of me will always weep for my baby but now I've accepted the loss and trying very hard to live with it.
Acceptance has been the most difficult; not because I could not accept that he is gone but because I was not sure if his death was not partly my fault. I have had to be assured time and time again that I did everything I could, and be sure in myself that there was really nothing that I could have done to prevent the loss of JJ, before I was able to stop shedding tears. There were five straight nights when I thought my head would explode for asking too many what ifs over and over again. What if I rested more? What if I stayed in bed instead of going to a garage sale and being on my feet for hours? What if I've kept myself from falling off the stairs? What if I've drank 8 quarts of water everyday instead of 4? What if I slept better? What if I went to another doctor? What if I spent more time on my knees begging the Lord for my baby's life instead of spending so much time staring at my laptop's monitor, surfing the net trying to find out cures or medical procedures for my pregnancy problems? What if I was more careful? What if I took my Vitamins and medicines at exactly the prescribed times, not a moment early or late? What if I did not get myself electrically shocked from my laptop?
There was a heavy feeling of guilt that I could not seem to shake off. At first, I didn't even want to tell my family because I was afraid that they would blame JJ's death on me. Five days before JJ was born, I was lying laterally in bed holding my laptop sideways with one hand but when I tried to change my position, it almost fell, and to keep it from smashing to the floor, I yanked it to myself and got a moment of electric shock from grasping the bottom of the laptop. I searched the net right away if a slight electric shock would be dangerous to a baby in-utero. I've read forums and articles that said yes, a shock could kill a baby, and some others said their mothers got shocked from lawnmowers, washing machines, etc., while pregnant with them, but that they were born normal, alive and kicking, and are now getting old. There was neither assurance nor confirmation to the contrary anywhere.
Thursday last week was my last doctor's visit. I asked my doctor if JJ breathed for a few minutes after he was born. I just had to know if JJ was born alive, but that his mother was too shaken up and had no presence of mind to take him and hold him in her arms instead of just taking a little peek at him while he was under the folds of her skirt, and just waiting to get to the hospital. I was second-guessing my doctor and even wondered if she was just being a doctor when she told me there was nothing she could have done let alone I. She told me that my baby was long dead when he was born. That made me think back to the last five days of May when I was suffering intense pain and cried to God about how painful it is, and that if my baby is suffering inside me, He should do what he knows is best. After I prayed that, I felt guilty and just wanted to take it back because that was just short of giving up on my baby's life. I was told that with JJ's color at birth, it was not unlikely that his little heart had stopped beating for at least three days already.
I will never know in this life if my many little accidents, my distress and crying episodes because of the physical pain and discomfort, my sometimes negative and sad attitude had in some way or another contributed to the death of my JJ. I will always wonder if my loss was not only because of my health problems but also of my carelessness, hardheadedness, and episodic negativity. I don't know if I will be 'margie' enough to stop torturing myself with my what ifs, or if I will be too much of a 'margie' to be able to ever stop and forgive myself.
My only comfort is that God knows my heart and he gives life and takes it back according to his own purpose, foreknowledge, wisdom, and love. On that note, I can say,
"JJ, goodbye for now."
I will always miss you...
I was talking to a friend online awhile ago and the friend asked me how it's going. I replied that I think I'm at last moving on, and I believe I am. The hole in my heart will always be there, and part of me will always weep for my baby but now I've accepted the loss and trying very hard to live with it.
Acceptance has been the most difficult; not because I could not accept that he is gone but because I was not sure if his death was not partly my fault. I have had to be assured time and time again that I did everything I could, and be sure in myself that there was really nothing that I could have done to prevent the loss of JJ, before I was able to stop shedding tears. There were five straight nights when I thought my head would explode for asking too many what ifs over and over again. What if I rested more? What if I stayed in bed instead of going to a garage sale and being on my feet for hours? What if I've kept myself from falling off the stairs? What if I've drank 8 quarts of water everyday instead of 4? What if I slept better? What if I went to another doctor? What if I spent more time on my knees begging the Lord for my baby's life instead of spending so much time staring at my laptop's monitor, surfing the net trying to find out cures or medical procedures for my pregnancy problems? What if I was more careful? What if I took my Vitamins and medicines at exactly the prescribed times, not a moment early or late? What if I did not get myself electrically shocked from my laptop?
There was a heavy feeling of guilt that I could not seem to shake off. At first, I didn't even want to tell my family because I was afraid that they would blame JJ's death on me. Five days before JJ was born, I was lying laterally in bed holding my laptop sideways with one hand but when I tried to change my position, it almost fell, and to keep it from smashing to the floor, I yanked it to myself and got a moment of electric shock from grasping the bottom of the laptop. I searched the net right away if a slight electric shock would be dangerous to a baby in-utero. I've read forums and articles that said yes, a shock could kill a baby, and some others said their mothers got shocked from lawnmowers, washing machines, etc., while pregnant with them, but that they were born normal, alive and kicking, and are now getting old. There was neither assurance nor confirmation to the contrary anywhere.
Thursday last week was my last doctor's visit. I asked my doctor if JJ breathed for a few minutes after he was born. I just had to know if JJ was born alive, but that his mother was too shaken up and had no presence of mind to take him and hold him in her arms instead of just taking a little peek at him while he was under the folds of her skirt, and just waiting to get to the hospital. I was second-guessing my doctor and even wondered if she was just being a doctor when she told me there was nothing she could have done let alone I. She told me that my baby was long dead when he was born. That made me think back to the last five days of May when I was suffering intense pain and cried to God about how painful it is, and that if my baby is suffering inside me, He should do what he knows is best. After I prayed that, I felt guilty and just wanted to take it back because that was just short of giving up on my baby's life. I was told that with JJ's color at birth, it was not unlikely that his little heart had stopped beating for at least three days already.
I will never know in this life if my many little accidents, my distress and crying episodes because of the physical pain and discomfort, my sometimes negative and sad attitude had in some way or another contributed to the death of my JJ. I will always wonder if my loss was not only because of my health problems but also of my carelessness, hardheadedness, and episodic negativity. I don't know if I will be 'margie' enough to stop torturing myself with my what ifs, or if I will be too much of a 'margie' to be able to ever stop and forgive myself.
My only comfort is that God knows my heart and he gives life and takes it back according to his own purpose, foreknowledge, wisdom, and love. On that note, I can say,
"JJ, goodbye for now."
I will always miss you...
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