another chance
I'm thinking I did nothing this year but get sick, be hospitalized and spend a lot of money I don't have on medicines, hospital bills and dr's fees. So for the last few days, I kept myself from writing anything here because I decided that I don't want to write about sickness again. But on second thought, I realized that it is not so bad after all because I do want to praise God for another chance at life here on earth. Now that sounds a bit spooky, but yes, this last hospitalization that I underwent almost took me (of course that is from a human perspective, since God knows for sure that it was not yet my time to go). It has also made me realize a lot of things-- made me see how I have been wasting my time on things and activities that do not really count for eternity.
While in the hospital battling an acute kidney infection that almost went systemic (an infection going into the blood thereby spreading to all parts of the body), and a typhoid fever that won't go away, I had a profound experience. My blood pressure was below 50 and the nurse was rushing to have the footpart of my bed be raised higher than the rest of my body so that the blood from my extremities can raise back to my heart, lungs, brain and other vital organs. A few moments after that, I was already gasping for breath and Bong hurried out to call the nurse. Between Bong leaving the room and coming back in, somehow, it seemed to me that time has stopped and when I closed my eyes, scenes from my life, and faces of people I have known flashed in a high-speed fashion before my closed eyes. The flashbacks went so fast that my heart was fluttering like crazy trying to keep up with the speed of the movie-like thing that I was witnessing. I saw beautiful, smiling faces of friends, families, angry faces of people I have wronged, sad faces of the ones I have not forgiven, and scene after scene of deeds that I have done in my life which for the most part were selfish, a waste of time, useless and serving no good purpose.
At that moment also, a feeling of helplessness was almost tangible and it just enveloped me. Helplessness that is not negative but rather a realization that indeed, my life is in God's hands. I had a clear sense that really, I have no hold on my life. There is no thought about asking the Lord for another chance. You just seem to accept that whatever it is that is happening, if the Lord is calling you home, then there is no way you can beg him and you feel it is not even right to ask him to give you another chance to right the wrongs you've done or say sorry to people, or restore broken relationships. With the feeling of helplessness, there is also a feeling of sure joy in the knowledge that any minute now, you'll be seeing your Savior face to face.
When my vital signs (BP, Temperature, heart rate, and respiratory rate) went back to normal, my senses also went back to their normal state; the dream-like bubble that seemed to have captured me popped and everything went back to the way they were but not after I have said my last goodbye to my husband and left instructions on how he should straighten my earthly affairs after I die. I know that very early morning of Thursday has left a mark on my husband, probably more of fear of losing his wife, but for me I will always remember that time as the moment when the Lord reminded me in a very profound way that I have been very busy in the kingdom but is not spending enough time with the King (to borrow a concept I have read somewhere).
I do not know if all that was a product of my heightened brain activity caused by the sicknesses I had or maybe I just imagined it, or maybe a hallucination caused by the high fever, or it maybe a real experience of near death. Whatever it was, it has taught me to value my time, my relationships, opportunities and other people more. I praise and thank God for His grace in seeing it fit for me to still keep my earthly life and praise and serve Him down here, although it would have been a blast to be with Him in glory already.
Thank you to all of you who have shared your time and resources during my time of need. Thank you for your love! My gratitude especially to SMQ, SL, UB & AJ for your assistance. God bless you all! You have shown me and my family that indeed God takes care of His own.
While in the hospital battling an acute kidney infection that almost went systemic (an infection going into the blood thereby spreading to all parts of the body), and a typhoid fever that won't go away, I had a profound experience. My blood pressure was below 50 and the nurse was rushing to have the footpart of my bed be raised higher than the rest of my body so that the blood from my extremities can raise back to my heart, lungs, brain and other vital organs. A few moments after that, I was already gasping for breath and Bong hurried out to call the nurse. Between Bong leaving the room and coming back in, somehow, it seemed to me that time has stopped and when I closed my eyes, scenes from my life, and faces of people I have known flashed in a high-speed fashion before my closed eyes. The flashbacks went so fast that my heart was fluttering like crazy trying to keep up with the speed of the movie-like thing that I was witnessing. I saw beautiful, smiling faces of friends, families, angry faces of people I have wronged, sad faces of the ones I have not forgiven, and scene after scene of deeds that I have done in my life which for the most part were selfish, a waste of time, useless and serving no good purpose.
At that moment also, a feeling of helplessness was almost tangible and it just enveloped me. Helplessness that is not negative but rather a realization that indeed, my life is in God's hands. I had a clear sense that really, I have no hold on my life. There is no thought about asking the Lord for another chance. You just seem to accept that whatever it is that is happening, if the Lord is calling you home, then there is no way you can beg him and you feel it is not even right to ask him to give you another chance to right the wrongs you've done or say sorry to people, or restore broken relationships. With the feeling of helplessness, there is also a feeling of sure joy in the knowledge that any minute now, you'll be seeing your Savior face to face.
When my vital signs (BP, Temperature, heart rate, and respiratory rate) went back to normal, my senses also went back to their normal state; the dream-like bubble that seemed to have captured me popped and everything went back to the way they were but not after I have said my last goodbye to my husband and left instructions on how he should straighten my earthly affairs after I die. I know that very early morning of Thursday has left a mark on my husband, probably more of fear of losing his wife, but for me I will always remember that time as the moment when the Lord reminded me in a very profound way that I have been very busy in the kingdom but is not spending enough time with the King (to borrow a concept I have read somewhere).
I do not know if all that was a product of my heightened brain activity caused by the sicknesses I had or maybe I just imagined it, or maybe a hallucination caused by the high fever, or it maybe a real experience of near death. Whatever it was, it has taught me to value my time, my relationships, opportunities and other people more. I praise and thank God for His grace in seeing it fit for me to still keep my earthly life and praise and serve Him down here, although it would have been a blast to be with Him in glory already.
Thank you to all of you who have shared your time and resources during my time of need. Thank you for your love! My gratitude especially to SMQ, SL, UB & AJ for your assistance. God bless you all! You have shown me and my family that indeed God takes care of His own.
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