COULD'VE BEENS

You would know that I've been spending too much time in friendster and other similar sites when you catch me getting all dreamy, sad, and thoughtful.  Like the other night, I accidentally ran into the friendster profile of an old classmate in college while commenting on a friend's picture.  Out of curiousity, I went in and spent the next hour checking out the albums.  I was amazed at the pictures rather the places where the pictures were taken.  I knew there would be pictures of UK cuz I knew that's where this classmate and his wife's been working, but I also saw Eiffel Tower, the St. Peter's Basilica, the Leaning tower of Pisa in Italy, Disneyland, views in Portugal and many other places. 

After I gushed and drooled over the travel photos, I proceeded to take a look at his contacts, and of course I saw a few people there whom I knew back in college whose geographical locations were half a world removed from where we used to be.  So that got me thinkin', "My, my, my, I am the only one who hasn't left this pitiful country!" And so begins the 'If-only-if-I-had-..... I-could-have been...." stories in my mind.  I was on this state of mind when another old friend (who's also out of the country) prompted me in chat asking about my life and everything about my work.  Then we talked about people we both know and then towards the end, this friend said he envies me.  My first reaction of course was "Yeah, right!" 

With almost a decade in my work, one would think (as I myself do) that I should now be over anything that smells like a green monster regarding life status, and that my mind must now have settled into an absolute acceptance of my lot--a lot that I entered into with both my eyes wide open and the conviction that I am responding to a calling bigger than myself.  But I just found out that there's just no getting immuned in such things as this. I guess I should just learn to live with it, and not feel too much guilt when I catch myself thinking of the if onlys, the what ifs and could've beens.  After all, it is not as if I am regretting anything (maybe there is a bit of that actually, if I am totally honest), but mostly, it is the thought about being able to visit places and make things happen faster and more effectively than I am able in the position and situation that I have and am in at present that kind of takes me to roll in the if-only-ifs and could-have-beens.

Then my friend in YM said, "Is this going to be how my life will play out until the last day? If only if I was brave and committed enough like you, I could have been doing something somewhere that counts."  hmmm.... 

Erik Erikson's stages of development comes to mind.  People in their middle age start to think about leaving a legacy behind; to assist the next generation, to be generative; because if not, a person would become stagnant, thinking only about himself/herself and an intimate few.  At the end of the day, it is the generative person who can look back at his life with a smile and contentment while the other one looks back and see that it has all been a waste, opportunities and time squandered, a life wasted, and then he/she looks at the present as nothing but days speeding by out of his/her control.  Nobody wants that.

Bravery? Commitment? Maybe...

but looking back, it is actually only the grace of God that sustains me. My so called bravery or commitment can only go so far or take me to a point, but it is His grace alone that gives me the joy of heart, peace of mind, enthusiasm and motivation to go on in spite of my occasional episodes of whatifs and could'vebeens.