LET ME GO, 2008!

I can't seem to really get into 2009.  It feels like my other foot is still buried in 2008, whatever I mean by that!  So I figured I should write an entry that would give me a sense of conclusion, or closure, or end of the past year so I could get on with the activities, fun and challenges of 2009.

... yet I also feel that I have written enough in and about 2008 that I would be like a 'sirang plaka' (a damaged vcd/dvd) if I write anything more. So we'll see where these typing fingers will take us... 

(after a while... nothing comes to mind except for the fact that I am greatly thankful to God for my life and the lives of families and friends that he has sustained this past year...) so I went ahead and read my daily dose of O. Chambers' "My Utmost for His Highest."  Here...

WHAT MY OBEDIENCE TO GOD COSTS OTHER PEOPLE
As they led Him away, they laid hold of a certain man, Simon . . . , and on him they laid the cross that he might bear it after Jesus —Luke 23:26

If we obey God, it is going to cost other people more than it costs us, and that is where the pain begins. If we are in love with our Lord, obedience does not cost us anything— it is a delight. But to those who do not love Him, our obedience does cost a great deal. If we obey God, it will mean that other people’s plans are upset. They will ridicule us as if to say, "You call this Christianity?" We could prevent the suffering, but not if we are obedient to God. We must let the cost be paid.

When our obedience begins to cost others, our human pride entrenches itself and we say, "I will never accept anything from anyone." But we must, or disobey God. We have no right to think that the type of relationships we have with others should be any different from those the Lord Himself had (see Luke 8:1-3).

A lack of progress in our spiritual life results when we try to bear all the costs ourselves. And actually, we cannot. Because we are so involved in the universal purposes of God, others are immediately affected by our obedience to Him. Will we remain faithful in our obedience to God and be willing to suffer the humiliation of refusing to be independent? Or will we do just the opposite and say, "I will not cause other people to suffer"? We can disobey God if we choose, and it will bring immediate relief to the situation, but it will grieve our Lord. If, however, we obey God, He will care for those who have suffered the consequences of our obedience. We must simply obey and leave all the consequences with Him.

Beware of the inclination to dictate to God what consequences you would allow as a condition of your obedience to Him.  (http://www.rbc.org/utmost/index.php)

This is a real revelation to me.  For all of my life I have been sort of dependent on other people-- both family and friends, for my needs and survival.  One day, I woke up so exasperated with myself for my seeming inability to help myself and be of help to others the way people have been helping me.

This thing has plagued my mind time and time again that I begun to withdraw from those people (although I could not really get away enough because of the shame I felt for the way I was feeling and the way I was reacting to that feeling).  Interdependence would probably be the 'politically correct' word. :) But for once, I wanted others to be dependent on me without the help of other people, and the fact that I seemed to not see anything dependable about myself drove me crazy.

Many times, I have seen how this kind of feeling kept me from truly expressing my gratitude where and to whom gratitude is due.  It made me angry at myself and at the same time made me feel guilty.  I felt helpless for being dependent.  I was angry for feeling helpless.  I was plagued by guilt for being angry, and I was discouraged for feeling guilty. 

I'd like to think I know that being dependent on God makes one dependent upon others.  But let's admit it, I really do not.  If I do, I wouldn't be feeling this way, right?  I probably know it in my head but have either shoved it into the back burner or have totally abandoned the knowledge because it forces me to look at my attitude.

What Pride!

"I am sorry Lord for the pride that has kept me from sincerely thanking people whom you have used as instruments of help.  I'm sorry for the feeling of helplessness that kept me from joyfully accepting the help offered to me.  I am sorry for the anger that has kept me from seeing the joy of those people who love to help.  I am sorry for the guilt that kept me from enjoying the help extended to me.  I am sorry for being discouraged rather than seeing the encouragement that You and they have been to me, and I have  been to others.  I am sorry for those episodes of pride, that instead of exalting You for the great things you have done to the lives of many people I know, I chose to ignore it and say that well, they probably have worked so hard for it. 

I ask Lord for your grace in the midst of my prideful discontent at the things that you have enabled me to do.  I ask you Lord for your grace that I would learn true humility and grant me your strength so that I would choose to remain faithful in my obedience to you and be willing to suffer the humiliation of refusing to be independent.

Keep my heart, Lord...