THIS STORMY VOYAGE 2
Right now, I am writing this update to avoid having to personally describe to anyone how we are doing right now. I just don't know what to say anymore. I always try to be brave when people ask me how I am doing and I end up trying to embellish on the facts to make the news sound more palatable and hopeful than the way I feel or the doctor observes.
I bought a waterbed today at a garage sale in Bagabag. I am having difficulty turning to my sides, and getting up with the mattress on my bed. The mattress seems to push the wrong muscles then I get all sore and numb from my waist down to my achilles tendon. I hope the buoyancy of a waterbed will make it more comfortable for me. We're still trying to figure out how to bring it home though. The frame is too big. We'll see.
I went to the sonologist last Monday but again, there were already many patients lined up outside her door so I had to be rescheduled for the next day. That was yesterday. Seeing the ugly scars in my tummy left by my surgery last year, the sonologist looked at my face and said, "It's you again."
"Yeah, I know, I was just here a few days ago, but my doctor wants to know if my fluid has improved at all, so here I am again!" I answered, while the doctor was busy pushing little buttons on her monitor's keyboard, and her other hand was manipulating the thing they slide up and down, side to side, on your tummy to see into your insides. After a few moments, she started going "TSK! TSK! TSK!" and shaking her head. My instinctive reaction was to stiffen and brace myself for yet another bad news. To delay the bad news that I knew was eventually coming, I asked if she can tell me what's my baby gonna be. I said, "So I thought I'm gonna name my baby after my husband cuz he's got a nice name but he only uses it in paper cuz he's got a nickname that has nothing to do with his real name. Do you think, I can name my baby Junior? See, my husband thinks we'll have a daughter but I really think it's a boy." I was babbling, I know, but anything to avoid the inevitable.
"Sorry, Mrs. Your amniotic fluid is too low for me to see even an outline of your baby." She said.
"My baby's still alive though, right?"
"Have you felt it move recently?" (Is she avoiding my question? I thought to myself). I thought back to the past few days and I had to be honest that I have been telling Bong how I don't feel anymore of the usual flutters.
The doctor did some adjustments on her gadget and we saw some darker spots on her monitor. I later researched about sonography and found out that she was using color doppler imaging. Finally, she said she detected a heartbeat BUT..... but I did not hear the rest of her words after the 'but.' I got off the bed after being told to wait outside for her to print the pictures and the report. Before I went out the door, the sonologist looked at me and hesitantly said, "Aah, Mrs, the most important thing for you to think right now is that your baby is surviving in spite of the odds."
Conclusion: heartbeat detected with poor somatic activity
Severe Oligohydramnios
With the result in an envelope in my hand, I went to where Bong was waiting. He asked how it was and I said, "Same as before, let's hurry, the others are waiting for us." We drove home, and I hurried to enter the house to avoid anyone who might ask me about the sonogram. I was just not yet ready to tell anyone that my baby's heart rate is slowly decreasing and that he is not moving as much as normal fetuses should. When I entered the house though, my mom was there. She asked the very question I was dreading, and going straight to my room, I said, "Isu met laeng, kaipyal ni hi Apo Diyoh." (Same as before, let's just entrust it to the Lord.) We took our bags, called the others and left for Bagabag to participate in our organization's Business Meeting and Election of new officials. I was chosen as the new Vice-Chairperson of NPMTTA.
I was planning to see my OB late this morning but even before we left to see her, she called and ask if I already had a scan. I told her the results. She was deeply saddened by it as if it is worse than I realized. Then she told me there's nothing more she could do for me (so I don't have to go to her clinic) other than to pray, and for me to continue drinking lots of water, taking my vitamins, and bedresting. I did not tell her I had been on my feet most of last week. Now I am feeling guilty wondering if I've overdone it a bit.
We came home today and I searched the www again about oligohydramnios and its risks trying to find out if there is something my doctor might not be telling me or a treatment somewhere that my doctor have not heard about. Now I regret having done that after reading forums where most mothers were advised to undergo 'therapeutic abortion' to save their own lives (and most went that route and are still heartbroken and plagued with what ifs), and other horrible stories saying that even if the baby is born, he will die in just a few hours after birth due to underdeveloped lungs, or missing kidneys, and other birth defects.
BUT I found a book called "God's Miracle of Sebastian" written by a grandmother whose daughter-in-law had the same thing I have--first to second trimester oligohydramnios. I have just started reading a few pages of the book and it encouraged me. Sebastian, according to the book is now 20 months old. It also compelled me to ask myself if I am doing everything that can be done to give my baby a chance to be born and live beyond a few hours. But Sebastian's mother had the whole Johns Hopkins as her neighbor. Manila is 250km away. And I bleed like crazy after every travel farther than our town market.
Please pray that our Lord will give me the wisdom I need to decide if we should start looking for a high-risk pregnancy doctor. I don't know. My mind is in turmoil right now. What if there is something someone can do somewhere and I am too ignorant to look for it, or should I just sit tight and wait this out?
The speaker during our annual retreat last week told me that the Lord seems to be trying to tell me to slow down. But I thought, why would He want me to slow down when I have already been slow since last year? I am still learning to listen silently to what the Lord is trying to tell me. This whole episode that is still happening in my family life at this time is a continuing learning experience of trusting the Lord, waiting on Him, yielding, perseverance, a lesson on practical faith, prayer, and the grace to face every bad news with joy and peace in my heart... to see the silver lining in every cloud, so to speak.
I just submitted to a checker a draft of a chapter on a Bible Study Guide I was researching and writing on 2Corinthians. I was on the eighth chapter. The theme of the chapter was about giving. Verses 10-12 spoke to me most specially on what I can give to the Lord right now as I travel my version of the Via Dolorosa. I have been feeling guilty that since last year, I did nothing but get sick which then resulted to low productivity on my part. In Kalanguya, verses 11-12 says: "... and now, continue to finish the work that you have started in the past. For whatever your joy was in starting it should be the same as you continue it, but you should do it according to what you are able to give... whatever you are able to give, that is what will give joy to God." My prayer is that may I be able to truly worship and serve the Lord by giving Him whatever is in my capacity right now and not to do anything out of guilt or just to counter a feeling of unproductivity. May I glorify Him even by the littlest genuine smile I can bestow in thankfulness for the life that He is continuing to hold and nurture in my womb.
This entry is as much a way for me to calm down and consider things as to give everyone who cares about us an update, so please feel free to skip to whichever is helpful for you to know how to pray for us. :-)
Thank you all for being with us in this journey...
(In between writing this note, I searched the net for possible perinatologists [doctors who specializes in high-risk pregnancies]. I came across a sonogram clinic in Manila that may be contacted via their homepage. I wrote to them about my case and inquired if they can refer me to a good perinatologist. I'll be waiting for their reply in the next three days.)
I'm going to continue reading about Sebastian. Click HERE if you are interested.
Love to you all...
I bought a waterbed today at a garage sale in Bagabag. I am having difficulty turning to my sides, and getting up with the mattress on my bed. The mattress seems to push the wrong muscles then I get all sore and numb from my waist down to my achilles tendon. I hope the buoyancy of a waterbed will make it more comfortable for me. We're still trying to figure out how to bring it home though. The frame is too big. We'll see.
I went to the sonologist last Monday but again, there were already many patients lined up outside her door so I had to be rescheduled for the next day. That was yesterday. Seeing the ugly scars in my tummy left by my surgery last year, the sonologist looked at my face and said, "It's you again."
"Yeah, I know, I was just here a few days ago, but my doctor wants to know if my fluid has improved at all, so here I am again!" I answered, while the doctor was busy pushing little buttons on her monitor's keyboard, and her other hand was manipulating the thing they slide up and down, side to side, on your tummy to see into your insides. After a few moments, she started going "TSK! TSK! TSK!" and shaking her head. My instinctive reaction was to stiffen and brace myself for yet another bad news. To delay the bad news that I knew was eventually coming, I asked if she can tell me what's my baby gonna be. I said, "So I thought I'm gonna name my baby after my husband cuz he's got a nice name but he only uses it in paper cuz he's got a nickname that has nothing to do with his real name. Do you think, I can name my baby Junior? See, my husband thinks we'll have a daughter but I really think it's a boy." I was babbling, I know, but anything to avoid the inevitable.
"Sorry, Mrs. Your amniotic fluid is too low for me to see even an outline of your baby." She said.
"My baby's still alive though, right?"
"Have you felt it move recently?" (Is she avoiding my question? I thought to myself). I thought back to the past few days and I had to be honest that I have been telling Bong how I don't feel anymore of the usual flutters.
The doctor did some adjustments on her gadget and we saw some darker spots on her monitor. I later researched about sonography and found out that she was using color doppler imaging. Finally, she said she detected a heartbeat BUT..... but I did not hear the rest of her words after the 'but.' I got off the bed after being told to wait outside for her to print the pictures and the report. Before I went out the door, the sonologist looked at me and hesitantly said, "Aah, Mrs, the most important thing for you to think right now is that your baby is surviving in spite of the odds."
Conclusion: heartbeat detected with poor somatic activity
Severe Oligohydramnios
With the result in an envelope in my hand, I went to where Bong was waiting. He asked how it was and I said, "Same as before, let's hurry, the others are waiting for us." We drove home, and I hurried to enter the house to avoid anyone who might ask me about the sonogram. I was just not yet ready to tell anyone that my baby's heart rate is slowly decreasing and that he is not moving as much as normal fetuses should. When I entered the house though, my mom was there. She asked the very question I was dreading, and going straight to my room, I said, "Isu met laeng, kaipyal ni hi Apo Diyoh." (Same as before, let's just entrust it to the Lord.) We took our bags, called the others and left for Bagabag to participate in our organization's Business Meeting and Election of new officials. I was chosen as the new Vice-Chairperson of NPMTTA.
I was planning to see my OB late this morning but even before we left to see her, she called and ask if I already had a scan. I told her the results. She was deeply saddened by it as if it is worse than I realized. Then she told me there's nothing more she could do for me (so I don't have to go to her clinic) other than to pray, and for me to continue drinking lots of water, taking my vitamins, and bedresting. I did not tell her I had been on my feet most of last week. Now I am feeling guilty wondering if I've overdone it a bit.
We came home today and I searched the www again about oligohydramnios and its risks trying to find out if there is something my doctor might not be telling me or a treatment somewhere that my doctor have not heard about. Now I regret having done that after reading forums where most mothers were advised to undergo 'therapeutic abortion' to save their own lives (and most went that route and are still heartbroken and plagued with what ifs), and other horrible stories saying that even if the baby is born, he will die in just a few hours after birth due to underdeveloped lungs, or missing kidneys, and other birth defects.
BUT I found a book called "God's Miracle of Sebastian" written by a grandmother whose daughter-in-law had the same thing I have--first to second trimester oligohydramnios. I have just started reading a few pages of the book and it encouraged me. Sebastian, according to the book is now 20 months old. It also compelled me to ask myself if I am doing everything that can be done to give my baby a chance to be born and live beyond a few hours. But Sebastian's mother had the whole Johns Hopkins as her neighbor. Manila is 250km away. And I bleed like crazy after every travel farther than our town market.
Please pray that our Lord will give me the wisdom I need to decide if we should start looking for a high-risk pregnancy doctor. I don't know. My mind is in turmoil right now. What if there is something someone can do somewhere and I am too ignorant to look for it, or should I just sit tight and wait this out?
The speaker during our annual retreat last week told me that the Lord seems to be trying to tell me to slow down. But I thought, why would He want me to slow down when I have already been slow since last year? I am still learning to listen silently to what the Lord is trying to tell me. This whole episode that is still happening in my family life at this time is a continuing learning experience of trusting the Lord, waiting on Him, yielding, perseverance, a lesson on practical faith, prayer, and the grace to face every bad news with joy and peace in my heart... to see the silver lining in every cloud, so to speak.
I just submitted to a checker a draft of a chapter on a Bible Study Guide I was researching and writing on 2Corinthians. I was on the eighth chapter. The theme of the chapter was about giving. Verses 10-12 spoke to me most specially on what I can give to the Lord right now as I travel my version of the Via Dolorosa. I have been feeling guilty that since last year, I did nothing but get sick which then resulted to low productivity on my part. In Kalanguya, verses 11-12 says: "... and now, continue to finish the work that you have started in the past. For whatever your joy was in starting it should be the same as you continue it, but you should do it according to what you are able to give... whatever you are able to give, that is what will give joy to God." My prayer is that may I be able to truly worship and serve the Lord by giving Him whatever is in my capacity right now and not to do anything out of guilt or just to counter a feeling of unproductivity. May I glorify Him even by the littlest genuine smile I can bestow in thankfulness for the life that He is continuing to hold and nurture in my womb.
This entry is as much a way for me to calm down and consider things as to give everyone who cares about us an update, so please feel free to skip to whichever is helpful for you to know how to pray for us. :-)
Thank you all for being with us in this journey...
(In between writing this note, I searched the net for possible perinatologists [doctors who specializes in high-risk pregnancies]. I came across a sonogram clinic in Manila that may be contacted via their homepage. I wrote to them about my case and inquired if they can refer me to a good perinatologist. I'll be waiting for their reply in the next three days.)
I'm going to continue reading about Sebastian. Click HERE if you are interested.
Love to you all...
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