TIME KILLS ALL ... it seems
Last week, my hubby borrowed a car from a very generous ninang so that we can go around town collecting boxes for hundreds of library books that we were hauling into our Center. Since B was unfamiliar with the car, the car went dead on him three times while we were in the middle of the road when he tried to shift gears.
The last three months has been unbelievable and I was left catching my breath even at this time into the fourth month. I wanted to go to neutral but it seems that if I shift gears, my motor will stop running. So here I am chasing time but I feel like I'm running without ever getting to the finish line, wondering if there is even a finish line.
There is just no time to kill, and so time is killing me.. and now I'm wondering how I got here.
Procrastination, one of my most dominant character has gotten me in trouble yet again. With the risk of sounding defensive (none of your business since this is me ranting in my blog, hehe), the procrastination has a valid reason. I was confused and I didn't know what they want from me. Well, okay, I should have asked for clarification, but it is not like I am sitting in front of my computer waiting and staring and doing nothing, anohh!!!? See, yesterday, I received an email that went straight to my heart like the speed of a bullet and pierced me with an inexplicable pain that feels like I was stabbed with a rusty hatchet and it was twisted again and again. Serves me right probably, but I can't help but notice that this year was a very bad year for me in terms of relationships. Most of the time, I don't know why people get angry at me. While growing up, I basically built a thick wall around me so that I will never get hurt again in relationships. But now I can't figure out why the walls could not keep the arrows from piercing me. I keep myself from talking a lot because from experience I am usually misunderstood when I open my mouth. So during my formative years, when there is no one but impersonal people around me, as my parents are miles away, I developed this attitude of talking only when being talked to. I know that some people misinterprets that and some are annoyed by it, but the attitude has become a part of my personality and now I don't even have the skill to converse normally anymore. So when the email sender yesterday wrote that curt email to me, I went off and cried in the pouring rain.
The last three months has been unbelievable and I was left catching my breath even at this time into the fourth month. I wanted to go to neutral but it seems that if I shift gears, my motor will stop running. So here I am chasing time but I feel like I'm running without ever getting to the finish line, wondering if there is even a finish line.
There is just no time to kill, and so time is killing me.. and now I'm wondering how I got here.
Procrastination, one of my most dominant character has gotten me in trouble yet again. With the risk of sounding defensive (none of your business since this is me ranting in my blog, hehe), the procrastination has a valid reason. I was confused and I didn't know what they want from me. Well, okay, I should have asked for clarification, but it is not like I am sitting in front of my computer waiting and staring and doing nothing, anohh!!!? See, yesterday, I received an email that went straight to my heart like the speed of a bullet and pierced me with an inexplicable pain that feels like I was stabbed with a rusty hatchet and it was twisted again and again. Serves me right probably, but I can't help but notice that this year was a very bad year for me in terms of relationships. Most of the time, I don't know why people get angry at me. While growing up, I basically built a thick wall around me so that I will never get hurt again in relationships. But now I can't figure out why the walls could not keep the arrows from piercing me. I keep myself from talking a lot because from experience I am usually misunderstood when I open my mouth. So during my formative years, when there is no one but impersonal people around me, as my parents are miles away, I developed this attitude of talking only when being talked to. I know that some people misinterprets that and some are annoyed by it, but the attitude has become a part of my personality and now I don't even have the skill to converse normally anymore. So when the email sender yesterday wrote that curt email to me, I went off and cried in the pouring rain.
Comments
indawtan towak na-mo daman Apo Diyoh ni tangilan mabalin ni mandedngel et wadan hiyaman i hakey ni ministry-ik ngo nem sensitive-ak et ni kapangipanglo kayman ni Ispirito Santo. Igyan kamon onkadoy katoo men kalaglagma na-mo ono ag pandangdangaan i kan ni Ispirito Santo.
on toto-wa, nonta madaman lawey nemnem ko et, kamanreberebelden kan ko ay hiya ketteg law, kan koy ongkiwangak ketteg et hiya law i panhilbid ya. menne kaliwaliwatan Apo i nemnem ko men, medyo impakalhik ni bassit i pohok tep agak piyan ni nemnemnemen i kamapaspasamak ni kan ko pa anhan ay ayakaw anhan et dakita igepgepak ni nayon... kelay i kinatoo...
koy haballi tep kaawattin Apo Diyoh ni amin i anggan hipan temperament tayo. haballi et ag tokiho pahigan kapanemnemnemi. gandet ton kiho kaman-react tep igya kiho pay dadan met di lubong nem hay pehed niman men kiho anhan ali kamainemnemi. diyay tayo kapangwattin hakey nem hipay liknan Jesus nonta nanopaan da ay komkompormin naibabaan ton andi gabol. heh...kay dimokey lay inhulat ko....amon alin nobela:)
ay isu? inoy, apaw kayman ngo... kelay iyan kamaam-ameg di pamilya tayo.. kay namahig i ataki.. nalapod matibew tan di ag matibew...
haballi ay waday Diyoh ni pinadtian tayo.
Kolang kayman idayan hapit et hiyay mato-palan i likna ni kamanlinggayo nem takun isupay ni panliwliwet mon bahaan.
Thanks for this very long comment... actually, I don't have a problem if bear a child or not. I have accepted the fact that there is only a 9% possibility that I could become a mother. I'm at peace with that and sometimes I think I am kind of thankful. I don't know if you'd understand that feeling. :D I only get crazy when people look at me and have this look in their faces as if I am the most pitiful, pathetic creature in the whole Kalanguya for not having a child. And you know how our people can be very insensitive with their comments. They'd say, "Ayakaw anhan ngo! Kay andi anhan i mo kaikogoh!! Koy pangkedaw ka dadan ni hi Diyoh!" As if the Lord's ear is not alrerady bleeding as kakahingi ko!" hehe
I was just under a lot of impossible pressure (work and future-wise) this last few weeks that the bad mouthing thrown my way did not help any. Ayun.. tsaka ito kaseng blog ang counselor ko.. I get to think things through and get them in perspective when I rant in my blog. :) Sorry to subject you to my ramblings! :D
Thanks for this very long comment... actually, I don't have a problem if I bear a child or not. I have accepted the fact that there is only a 9% possibility that I could become a mother. I'm at peace with that and sometimes I think I am kind of thankful. I don't know if you'd understand that feeling. :D I only get crazy when people look at me and have this look on their faces as if I am the most pitiful, pathetic creature in the whole Kalanguya for not having a child. And you know how our people can be very insensitive with their comments. They'd say, "Ayakaw anhan ngo! Kay andi anhan i mo kaikogoh!! Koy pangkedaw ka dadan ni hi Diyoh!" As if the Lord's ear is not already bleeding sa kakahingi ko!" hehe
I was just under a lot of impossible pressure (work and future-wise) this last few weeks that the bad mouthing thrown my way did not help any. Kaya ayun.. tsaka ito kaseng blog ang counselor ko.. I get to think things through and get them in perspective when I rant in my blog. :) Sorry to subject you to my ramblings! :D