PSYCHED UP
I was just watching Sunshine Cleaning like 5 minutes ago and Rose, the character that Amy Adams played, copes with her impossible situations by psyching herself up--telling herself that she can do anything, or something along the lines of being powerful. I never tried that. Does it really work getting all psyched up? If those movies about coaches looking their players in the eye and telling them that they can do it, and the players do end up winning the game, have any resemblance to the truth, then maybe it does work. But as I've said, I've never tried it, so I don't know anything.
So when I titled this blog entry PSYCHED UP, I was thinking about something else. Actually, I was thinking about the exact opposite thing. I was thinking about how neurotic can one get before s/he crosses the line into becoming a psychotic. I was thinking about my mental patient back in nursing college who from day 1 called me Geraldine, and he told me that that was the name of her daughter, only to find out in the end (when I finally read the patient chart) that Geraldine was the name of the girl he victimized. But the question is why was I thinking about that?
Well, I don't know. The mind is an untamed beast. Your eyes could be watching a little independent movie with a provocative theme and who knows what the mind could connect it with and dredge up some old mental pictures from years past that would remind you what a coward you are. But then the mind could also be so cruel with its inability to tell you some stuff that you wish you could remember. Like I wish I could remember the reason why when anyone says they would like a word with me, the first thing that comes to my mind is, "OK, what did I do?" even if it is obvious that the person only wanted to know how I am doing.
So yes, I am neurotic this way. One could make an innocent comment and I would obsess about it the whole night thinking if the commenter meant it to cause me to realize something or if I have done something that hurt them or what? How much more if one acts like I don't exist, then I obsess about it a whole week (ok, to be honest, every waking hour of my life thereafter) and bring in other life pressures, sometimes the feeling of being left to stand on a quicksand gets so strong that I'd feel like my last ounce of sanity is hanging on a thread that is ready to give out. I am not like Rose in Sunshine Cleaning who can whisper to herself that she is powerful, that she can do anything, then she's okay for the moment. You'll probably ask, "Ok, then how do you do it?" Some would answer that question with stuff like, I go out and do something interesting or I listen to Shania Twain or I just put it out of my mind. I don't.
I would like to say that my response to the question is by praying and giving it all to God, but that would be hypocritical of me because I don't always do. I do sometimes, and those few times, it made the difference between being messed up and being truly peaceful, but human nature sometimes win over and I just let the insanity take me wherever it wants to go. I would even refuse the nudge of the Holy Spirit to pray because I would like to (enjoy?) and feel the anger or self-loathing for a little while.
So when I titled this blog entry PSYCHED UP, I was thinking about something else. Actually, I was thinking about the exact opposite thing. I was thinking about how neurotic can one get before s/he crosses the line into becoming a psychotic. I was thinking about my mental patient back in nursing college who from day 1 called me Geraldine, and he told me that that was the name of her daughter, only to find out in the end (when I finally read the patient chart) that Geraldine was the name of the girl he victimized. But the question is why was I thinking about that?
Well, I don't know. The mind is an untamed beast. Your eyes could be watching a little independent movie with a provocative theme and who knows what the mind could connect it with and dredge up some old mental pictures from years past that would remind you what a coward you are. But then the mind could also be so cruel with its inability to tell you some stuff that you wish you could remember. Like I wish I could remember the reason why when anyone says they would like a word with me, the first thing that comes to my mind is, "OK, what did I do?" even if it is obvious that the person only wanted to know how I am doing.
So yes, I am neurotic this way. One could make an innocent comment and I would obsess about it the whole night thinking if the commenter meant it to cause me to realize something or if I have done something that hurt them or what? How much more if one acts like I don't exist, then I obsess about it a whole week (ok, to be honest, every waking hour of my life thereafter) and bring in other life pressures, sometimes the feeling of being left to stand on a quicksand gets so strong that I'd feel like my last ounce of sanity is hanging on a thread that is ready to give out. I am not like Rose in Sunshine Cleaning who can whisper to herself that she is powerful, that she can do anything, then she's okay for the moment. You'll probably ask, "Ok, then how do you do it?" Some would answer that question with stuff like, I go out and do something interesting or I listen to Shania Twain or I just put it out of my mind. I don't.
I would like to say that my response to the question is by praying and giving it all to God, but that would be hypocritical of me because I don't always do. I do sometimes, and those few times, it made the difference between being messed up and being truly peaceful, but human nature sometimes win over and I just let the insanity take me wherever it wants to go. I would even refuse the nudge of the Holy Spirit to pray because I would like to (enjoy?) and feel the anger or self-loathing for a little while.
This is messed up, truly messed up.
Okay, I guessed that's why there are songs about taking one day or one step at a time. But what about a leap of faith? Haha, you'd probably tell me those are two totally different things. Maybe they are! Are they really?
(Today I was advised to just let things go and dance with the music but that when the music is through, then I should play my own music. Yeah, yeah, whatever... thing is I can't dance nor can I play.)
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