Where have you been?

If you ask me that question, I’d say I have been hiding in my cave trying to get all the cobwebs off the stalactites and sweep the floor clean to chase away the perpetual sleeplessness which is like some red-eyed bats that hang on their little sharp-tipped wings on the roof of a cave.

After I wrote that I’m-in-a-bad-mood-so-you-better-get-out-of-my-way-rant some weeks ago, I decided to be a good girl (for a change :-) and keep things to myself. At least to keep from ruining someone else’s day if not more so to maintain a semblance of sanity. That would be the dramatic answer I would give you which would no more or less than the truth, depending on what perspective one is looking from.

The honest and stripped-of-drama, straightforward answer is that I have been trying to “live” more. I guessed experiencing death even for a few seconds leaves its mark on a person and it makes one try to be more ‘alive’ than s/he already is. How does one live more? Well, for myself, I’ve been making sure to spend more time with my son and my man. At work, I’ve been working on rekindling and renewing if not to recapture the joy I used to give in and derive from fulfilling my commitments, more than just trying to be more productive.  I also spent a considerable amount of airtime messaging people and telling them how much they mean to me. I even unearthed an ‘apology card’ that I bought back in the day when snail mail and greeting cards were still the thing, and I have been trying to get it to the person that I somehow wronged and hurt while I was in one of my don’t-rain-on-my-parade-of-negativity-It-is-already-pouring-here-as-you-ca-see-so-you-better-get-off-my-back-darn-it moods. After finding myself in the middle of that emotional and physical roller coaster, motivation for anything else has been scarce and a little hard to come by.

So I wrote some amateur poetry which I chose not to post in any internet accessible location because the thoughts embodied in those poems no longer represent my current state of mind. I also consultant-checked one short book for one language project in a nearby town and edited a few chapters of a long overdue translation assignment.  Last night, I started a new Bible Study Group with new college girls and I felt overwhelmed for a minute there but in the end, I was happy I did it. They have been asking me for the last five weeks, and I had a different excuse everytime. The first time, I told them, we’ll just start the following week.  The second time, I told them I was not yet feeling well enough after my surgery (which was the truth) but even if I was, I believe I would still have said no.  The third time they asked me, I asked my sister to cover for me. The fourth time, I told them my husband took a trip and I would not leave my little boy alone in the house (he was already sleeping at the time and I could have snuck out for an hour to lead the Bible Study). So when someone came by the door yesterday, and asked me again, I enthusiastically said yes. Earlier that day, I was psyching myself up preparing myself not to give a negative answer. I specifically ask God for some genuine enthusiasm to sincerely say yes for a change. I was not too impress or happy with what I was able to give yesterday, but I guessed it is a start after the slump I got into in the last month. 

So there! One thing I confirmed while I was in the middle of abstinence from expressing my thoughts is that, it lead me to find a peaceful place within myself where I didn’t have to think about my perceived misfortunes or to even try to talk sane and act strong. I was just there doing what I was supposed to be doing, and just living. There is nothing profound here, but for someone who thinks that being productive is the name of the game even right after one underwent a traumatic experience, this was a great discovery and a big accomplishment. And I did it while listening to the song “Be at Rest, My Soul by Steve Green” which was looped to play over and over in my laptop.

Be at rest, be at rest once more
Oh my soul, for the Lord has been good
Be at rest, be at rest once more, oh my soul,
Oh my soul, be at rest once more,
For the Lord has been good to you.

For you Oh Lord, have delivered my soul from death
My eyes from tears
And you Oh Lord, have delivered my feet from stumbling
Be at rest, be at rest once more
Be at rest, be at rest once more
Oh my soul, for the Lord has been good
Be at rest, be at rest once more, oh my soul,
Oh my soul, be at rest once more,
For the Lord has been good to you.



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