...crisis of faith...

There was a time in my life when I spouted questions and sentiments that go like this:

Lord, I’m confused
I thought that when I choose to believe in You
You would part the sea so I could walk on dry land
That when I choose to follow you
You would neutralize the venom of serpents
And let me walk in the wilderness without worrying about beasts of prey
I thought that when I choose to put my faith in you
You would show me your plans and allow me to be a part of it.

Why then do I now feel that a darkness has begun to engulf me
Why do I feel like the path you had me take has reached a dead end
I could manage a fork in the road, a crossing, or an uphill climb, but a dead end?
Why, when I thought that I have put my 101% faith in you, you would pull the rug from under my feet, causing me to fall down on my knees again
Why, when I thought I know what you want me to do, where you’d have me go
You would let a fog of confusion come down that I would not be able to see
Why, when I thought I have figured out the puzzle, and I know where all the pieces fit
You would shuffle the pieces and let my mind get scrambled again?
Why, when I thought that it is time to get answers to my prayers, 
You seem to shut the door in my face, and pretend to be not listening?

Why do people who said they have your love in their hearts hate each other
Why do they hurt one another and pretend that all’s well
Why does arrogance rule, and meekness and humility is trampled down
Why is the darkness engulfing too many hearts that used to shine for you

I don’t know, I’m confused, 
Do you want to jump in and do something?

Why can’t you be more clear to me
Why won’t you talk to me
Why leave me drifting in this sea of confusion
Why let me be blown away by this whirlwind of terriying anger
Why keep me here at all if you are going to abandon me?

I can no longer see you
I can no longer hear you
I can no longer understand you

Did I lose my way? I don’t think so…
Did I turn away from you? In my heart, am I keeping secret sins?
Did I put on blinders concerning you, the reason why I cannot see you anymore?
Is my life playing too loud a music, the reason why I cannot hear you anymore?

If you think I have lost my way, please help me find my way back to you;
If I have turned away from you, take me back and let me behold your face again;
If I have blinders on, peel them off of my eyes, so that I may see you again
Stop whatever noise is playing in my life that I may hear your voice again.

Because there is no place I’d rather be than at your feet listening to you

If I have to go through fire, storm, flood or the turbulent sea of life 
If I have to be thrown into a  lion’s den
Remind me that you were there with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
Tell me again that you were with Noah, and Moses and the Israelites
Yes you were with Daniel.
You were with me when I was ravished by an “animal” (why did you allow that, btw?)
You were with me when I almost lost my mind as a young girl
You were with me when I was being treated like dirt by people who said they love you
You were there when I lost every possible thing a daughter, a mother, a friend, a human being could ever lost
You were there when I nearly lost my life again and again, and the time before that, and the time before that
You were there! 

Or were you?

Maybe, no self-respecting Christian would admit to having these questions and sentiments cross their minds.  But right now, when family and friends sort of hate you for standing firm on the principles that you believe is right, it is incredibly difficult to keep your peace.  The pain strucks at the deepest part of your soul, and breaks your heart into little pieces, and all you want to do is to pick up those little pieces of your heart and stitch them back together so you could feel whole again. You keep going, trying your best, giving your all, stumbling but keep on feeling your way in spite of the blinding tears, and the debilitating darkness that surrounds you.  You gasp for air, holding on to dear life. You look towards the heavens, waiting, and waiting, and waiting...  and barely seeing, tears running down your face, you hope with all your might, you pray with all your faith,

...that the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on you again.

and indeed,

..the sun will always set,

but the SON who was, and is, will always shine His Face upon you, and keep you...

mY Synapses...


Kayni D said…
Oh yes, I am guilty of that feeling of abandonment by Him too. I've rants of complains and distraught. I've often asked where are You? But, if I remember it correctly, I was told by my grade school teacher that it's ok to say those things to Him because He can take it and that He is happy you're still talking to Him. It means you believe in Him.

I love your last statement.

I am sick again - shingles this time. Two weeks of sick leave.

I miss you, sis. Glad you're writing.
G said…
Thank you sis Kayni! I am so very sorry to hear that you are ill with Shingles. I can imagine the discomfort and distress. Not too long ago, I had a late onset chickenpox that affected every bit of my face and my body, and I believe it was on the Top 5 of the most difficult time of my life. I hear Shingles is the worst version of varicella infection. Praying for you, sis.
Iftekhar Ahmed said…
I must appreciate the way you have express your feelings through your blog!
PPC Expert

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