..a wretched wretched day...

Do the cells in our bodies remember their pain even when the mind itself (which is also made up of cells) has chosen to forget? I have been wondering why I have been like a volcano that stayed dormant for a century but is now erupting nonstop and spewing sulfur and hot lava with just the slightest provocation.For the last two days, I can feel that something has been on the back of my mind that could not seem to burst through to the front. I feel nothing but melancholy, a sadness in my spirit for which a specific reason I could not seem to put my finger on; a feeling of wretchedness and despondency that is so encompassing I only get up from bed when my 6-year old says he needs help with something. I am aware of the gloominess in my soul and that I should deal with it, rather than exploding at everyone at every turn, but I seem to be consciously making an effort to keep my mind from acknowledging that there is something that is making me feeling the way I feel--mournful and desolate. Then today, a facebook memory popped up on my screen, and it says that two days ago, I lost my son JJ. It was one of the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I found out you really do not stop mourning. When he is mentioned by me or my husband or anyone, tears start to fall. Yes, we are comforted by the eternity that we will spend with them after this short interval of life on earth, but grief still rears its head even when you thought you have already moved on, and then you become so helpless, and for some moments you become a sad spectator of your life, watching yourself freefalling into this dark cloud of sorrow that seem to envelope every moment you are awake. What do you do? How do you wake up from this nightmare?

mY Synapses...