DISCORDANT NOTES
This is not my story. This is a story of God’s handiwork in the life of one unqualified misfit whom He has qualified to do His work when she responded positively to His call. The manuscript of the Kalanguya complete Bible was recently submitted to the printers for publication. It was a work that started in the late 60s when missionaries from the New Tribes Missions started to analyse the unwritten language, and formulate a working orthography, taught literacy in the Kalanguya villages in preparation for the translation of the New Testament, The New Testament was first published and dedicated in November 1981 and from that time on, the Kalanguya tribe has seen a tremendous growth in the number of people coming to the Saving Grace of Jesus Christ as they were able to read all about the wonderful love of God for them_an all encompassing love that caused Him His Son.
In 1997, a young woman fresh from college started to work with the expat translators who translated the NT Bible to Kalanguya, in the revision of the said translation. She was only waiting to come of age so that she can get her nursing license and possibly work as a nurse in some hospital in the US or the UK. That was her plan anyway, to kill time. Little did she know that God has another plan, a better plan for her to live a relevant life as she has always wanted but never really knew how or when. From June 1997 to April 2001, the revision of the Kalanguya NT was completed, and that same young woman thought, she has done her dues. A few days before the manuscript was submitted to the printers, her mentors were invited to a seminar. They asked her if she wanted to tag along, and tag along she did. She found out it was a seminar of Mother Tongue Bible translators from many other languages in the Northern Luzon, to train them in Bible translation principles and best practices. In that seminar on the translation of the Book of Proverbs and 1Samuel, God tagged this young woman, and 18 years later, she and the team that God put together finished the Old Testament translation into Kalanguya and the whole tribe is waiting for the Book that almost everyday, some Kalanguya person would peek at the translation office to ask when the Kalanguya Bible will be available for purchase.
The journey to becoming a good Bible translator or even to become a minister of God’s Word in some way, was not an easy road. There were all kinds of road blocks, temptations and times of discouragement. But in hindsight, those were the times when this person felt the closest to God, when there was nothing she could do but to let go and let God.
God’s love and care has been constant, and she saw this all too clear. During a period of one year, she lost too many people in her life, both to death and to time when good relationships started to fail and just won’t work anymore. She was translating the book of Lamentations, and like in the book, she had no one to turn to but God. And so she spouted questions and sentiments that went like this:
I am beat, I am powerless
I have to remain here at the mercy of this pain
To lie here until it is done with me,
Months of living a half-life if at all
I lie on my back, a nobody with a future so unsure
Weakened, in body, spirit and soul
So afraid of what tomorrow will bring.
I cannot feel the beat of my own heart
All I see is this hellish nightmare
That is my suffering
The world is going on out there happily without me!
I am failing to see the wonder of a moment
To hear the humor in a joke
To perceive the joy in a laughter
To see innocent mischief in a smile
To be sure of the silver lining in a cloud
Oh, when did I start losing sight?
Don’t hide me in the cleft of a rock
Please show me your face or just cover my eyes
Or you might as well leave me right here, if you’ll hide your face from me.
Mend this mind that’s been flayed beyond repair
Make my heart understand that you were never unfair.
With all that was going on in her life, the Book of Lamentations was finished and the community checking that went with it revealed how many people who had gone through similar situations were able to get encouragement and insights into the heart of God in the midst of their own sufferings.
At another time, in the middle of working on the book of Job, her health was compromise because of a botched pregnancy and a surgical operation that left her in bed for months. It was a season of disability which left her body in a sort of forced rest but her mind was in turmoil. Two months after her surgery to remove a foetus that implanted itself in the wrong organ, her life's music has somewhat become a series of discordant melody that no world-class conductor would even attempt to orchestrate into something worth listening to. The notes were all garbled up and confused that no Beethoven would try to array them into a playable piece. Yet in spite of the unsymphonic orchestra that her life had become, the beautiful lyrics written by the Almighty remained the same.
One day during that period in her life, she was able to be on her own feet again, literally. There had been no fun in being mostly in bed for months that went on and on like forever. Wanting to do a lot, and having the mind to do it but not the physical strength to dive into it has driven her crazy one too many times that someone had to restrain her. Still, little by little, she was able to work on the translation of Job with more humility, more trust in God, not only because she could not possibly complain knowing how God replied to complaints from a righteous man at the dawn of history, but also because she had realised that God actually timed these events in her life so that she would be able to capture the pain, the terror, the confusion of the character in the book, in other words, write the heart of the book as near as possible because she herself was somewhat going through a similar albeit a much-reduced version of suffering that the human character in the book had gone through. These days of suffering were also punctuated not by good days but by insensitive comments from people she thought understood her. Extended family members thought that she is wasting her time and education. Immediate family members also getting sick needing help that she could not even do for herself. And so the human heart asks these questions and makes these foolish yet honest statements:
Lord, I’m confused
I thought that when I chose to believe in You
You would part the sea so I could walk on dry land
That when I choose to follow you
You would neutralize the venom of serpents
And let me walk in the wilderness without worrying about beasts of prey
I thought that when I chose to put my faith in you
You would show me your plans and allow me to be a part of it.
Why then do I now feel that a darkness has begun to engulf me
Why do I feel like the path you had me take has reached a dead end
I could manage a fork in the road, a crossing, or an uphill climb, but a dead end?
Why, when I thought that I have put my 101% faith in you, you would pull the rug from under my feet, causing me to fall down on my knees again
Why, when I thought I know what you want me to do, where you’d have me go
You would let a fog of confusion come down that I would not be able to see
Why, when I thought I have figured out the puzzle, and I know where all the pieces fit
You would shuffle the pieces and make me realise that nothing really fits if at all?
Why, when I thought that it is time to get answers to my prayers,
You seem to shut the door in my face, and pretend to be not listening?
Why do people who said they have your love in their hearts hate each other
Why do they hurt one another and pretend that all’s well
Why does arrogance rule, and meekness and humility is trampled down
Why is the darkness engulfing too many hearts that used to shine for you
I don’t know, I’m confused,
Do you want to jump in and do something?
Why can’t you be more clear to me
Why won’t you talk to me
Why leave me drifting in this sea of confusion
Why let me be blown away by this whirlwind of terrifying anger
Why keep me here at all if you are going to abandon me?
I can no longer see you
I can no longer hear you
I can no longer understand you
Why?
Did I lose my way? I don’t think so…
Did I turn away from you? In my heart, am I keeping secret sins?
Did I put on blinders concerning you, the reason why I cannot see you anymore?
Is my life playing too loud a music, the reason why I cannot hear you anymore?
If you think I have lost my way, please help me find my way back to you;
If I have turned away from you, take me back and let me behold your face again;
If I have blinders on, peel them off of my eyes, so that I may see you again
Stop whatever noise is playing in my life that I may hear your voice again.
Because there is no place I’d rather be than at your feet listening to you
If I have to go through fire, storm, flood or the turbulent sea of life
If I have to be thrown into a lion’s den
Remind me that you were there with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego
Tell me again that you were with Noah, and Moses and the Israelites
Yes you were with Daniel.
You were with me when I almost lost my mind as a young girl
You were with me when I was being treated like dirt by people who said they love you
You were there when I lost every possible thing a woman, a daughter, a mother, a friend, a human being could ever lost
You were there when I nearly lost my life again and again, and the time before that, and the time before that,
You were there!
Maybe, no self-respecting Christian would admit to having these questions and sentiments cross their minds. But at a time when family and friends sort of hate you for standing firm on the principles that you believe is right, it is incredibly difficult to keep your peace. The pain struck at the deepest part of your soul, and breaks your heart into little pieces, and all you want to do is to pick up those little pieces of your heart and stitch them back together so you could feel whole again. You keep going, trying your best, giving your all, stumbling but keep on feeling your way in spite of the blinding tears, and the debilitating darkness that surrounds you. You gasp for air, holding on to dear life. You look towards the heavens, waiting, and waiting, and waiting... and barely seeing, tears running down your face, you hope with all your might, you pray with all your faith, that the clouds will clear, and the sun will shine on you again.
And indeed,
..the sun will always set,
but the SON who was, and is, will always shine His Face upon you, and keep you.
All those different times in her life were truly seasons of being taught that when it all comes down to it, it is God who brings people into our lives to minister to the needs of our heart, but He also allows people to exit from our lives so that He could move us forward in growth in our faith in Him. He brings us people and allows events that challenge our theologies and philosophies to keep moulding us into that person that is more to the image of His Son. And now, the same God who never abandoned us, who have always been carrying us in His arms, has given her and her family all the opportunities to serve Him in a greater capacity, love Him more closely, and has never failed to send her people to give her the extra push she needs to get the equipping she needs to serve in God’s vineyard better, or to pull her back from what could be a disastrous result of a decision. Indeed, she has seen so clearly how God granted her the desires of her heart according to His good purpose and glory.
Looking back, she has been blessed with the good sense to recognize that she has needed the weakness and disability of the body to give rest to her soul and spirit... so that her life's scent might exude a thicker, more concentrated aroma of fragrance; to realize that no matter how tough and multifariously complex life could become in the midst of illness, suffering or persecution, trials and confusion, in other words, a crisis of faith, God’s hand is still there orchestrating all the instruments that would play a part in His symphony, so that the life and the ministry with which He has blessed her might turn into a progressive, more purposeful, well-designed and efficient channel of service.
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