COMING FACE TO FACE WITH OUR MORTALITY
I wasn't feeling too good at all even the previous day. That morning, I almost wrote my team that we won't meet that day because I was not feeling myself but we have wasted one too many days already because of the typhoons that caused power outages and internet disconnections. So I sent out a message that we will have a checking session that day. And we did, and because my mentee was new, I did most of the talking. At a few minutes after 5, I said goodbye to the BT team, closed my laptop and went out to find my boy so we could go for a walk by the river that has subsided significantly since it overflowed during the storm. But as soon as I got out the door, I started feeling this tightness in my chest, as if it is being squeezed by a the Hulk or something. I could not catch my breath no matter how I tried to breathe deeply and slowly and regularly, my lungs just can't seem to get their fill of air. I asked my family to try massaging my back and my chest, but it did not help. I tried to lie down, and wait it out, but I knew something was very wrong because I could not find any relief in any position, lying down or sitting or standing up. By that time, I was becoming incoherent, I could not string together a complete sentence, it was just becoming too hard to think and talk. I knew if I go on like that, I will lose my consciousness and it might be too late, so I told my family to prepare a few things and drive me to the hospital.
It seems that we got there right on time. The ER people were very efficient at getting me all hooked up to the necessary machines to evaluate my situation. The ER doctor determined that I either suffered a heart attack or on the verge of one. They gave me the intervention I needed and while they were at it, the ER Dr was constantly in a phone conference with a cardiologist regarding the care she was providing me. After they got my BP to a manageable 150, I was transported into the ICU for further monitoring. My chest pain subsided, the difficulty of breathing improved but my energy was all zapped out that I was still slurring while being asked by the doctor what happened to me. The cardiologist ordered all kinds of blood work and other bodily fluids lab tests so my hands were all blues and violets from all the blood siphoning that happened in a span of two hours.
Came the next day, at night, the doctor came for a minute to tell me that my troponin test did not indicate any heart attack. He said he ordered another one just to be certain. The next day, when I was already out of ICU, he said, it is negative again, meaning, my heart seems to be good. But that day, I suffered the debilitating chest pain again. I asked him if it is possible that this might just be me having panic attacks, and he asked me some questions as to why I think I would have panic attacks. I gave him a bit of a history about my traumatic emergency surgeries in the past and he agreed that I may have a point. But that he will wait for my last test, a 2D-Echo, to see if I still need heart intervention, or we will just focus on treating my brain instead of my heart. He was relatively sure that my heart was okay.
The next morning I sent him a text message asking if he could discharge me that day since all my meds are oral and so I can just continue taking them at home. I was thinking of the hospital bill we were accruing and my son who is left at home getting very sad. The Doctor who only comes at night came early that morning, but he came bearing bad news. He said it turned out I do have a heart disease, as the 2D-Echo revealed some blockages and weaknesses in my heart muscles. My world went dark for a moment. Two days ago, I was ready. I prepared myself to receive bad news. But after he told me for two days that I was okay, I just have some inflammations that could go away on their own if I make some changes with my lifestyle, I let myself think that the oppressive chest pain was indeed nothing but my imagination. And yet now, he is saying, "The heart ultrasound says you have Coronary Artery Disease." When my world started spinning again, my mind went, "Well, at least it is not myocarditis."
For now, all I have is a blinding headache that throbs on and on and on, and a little pin-pricky pain with every beat of my heart, which seems to be telling me every moment, "Hey, I'm still beating, see?" I spent this Shabbat voraciously reading and watching videos about this disease. My mom came and convinced me to try a supplement that seemed to have worked for many people including herself.
Some months ago, I wrote a post where I said that I kind of have a premonition that I might not reach 45. Like I have already finished my mission and so I felt like God was gonna take me any minute. I even sent my husband a list of all my passwords, and a what-to-do list in case I suddenly drop dead. But when I was in that ER bed trying so hard to breathe, I said, "Lord, if this is my last, then I entrust my Bong and my Xami to you. I know you can take care of them without me, but you will truly break their hearts if you take me now. So if it is okay with you, please keep me here yet, even if it is just for the sake of my Xami." I know Bong's heart will be broken, but my Xami's still fragile soul might shatter and that would be worse, so that was my bargain. He must have heard me. He must have heard you all, or He must have another plan all along.
So I am still here, but I could be gone tomorrow. Or you.
So today, I resolved again to just wait on God, and to continue to strive to live in fear of Him.
How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you. Psalms 31:19
mY Synapses...
Comments