MARGIENARY

Yup, I got two purple lines in the thing called home pregnancy test kit. But it seems to the doc that it is something that needs to be "dealt with" in the next few days.  I'm waiting for the doctor to call and the husband to come home.  I don't know what to feel.  Usually, for someone like me who only have 1 tube left, and an ovary that is so cystic it looks like a rotten cauliflower in the ultrasound, and been trying for the last couple of years, a double line should send me straight to heaven.  But then a double line should not be painful either.  Mine is, so I am not happy.  I am actually indifferent.  I'd say angry, but I shall need another stative verb for tomorrow. "Lord, please sing to me "The Power of your Love, and Sustaining Grace."  I would but I don't have a voice right now, just a heart that is scared and beaten down to a pulp. Nov. 19, 2010 Went to see the doc again today.  She has not yet ruled out tubal pregnancy ...

I went on a binging spree researching about my health conditions that I tried to ignore this last few months,  thinking fatalistically, and telling my myself that if I die, I die, and so it doesn't make a difference if I manage my PCOS and my Diabetes or not.  Yes, I rebelled from the restrictive diet that I had to follow, and I went back to my old habits of eating sugars, not paying attention to what I eat and weigh, and not exercising. But the last few weeks, I have been in one of my neurotic moods where I was very sad, manic-depressive, and just don't have the energy nor joy to face a in-another-state-of-mind beautiful day.  Then I noticed that I have missed my period and I have been feeling a general throbbing pain in my lower tummy.  Sometimes, it is throbbing, but sometimes it is sharp and it feels like a shock wave flashing across my abdomen.  It scared me to death, thinking that this might be another tubal pregnancy.  I began to vorac...

One weekend, I went home to the village and as usual, I was met by my nephews and nieces expecting a pasalubong.  For a change, I did not bring lollipops, rather, I brought them lots of balloons, which they love so much.  Two weekends later, I went home again and my thirteen month old nephew said, "Tita, hanahanana, bibidong."  And I said, "Sorry, andi bibidong (balloons) nihaya. Kindin aboh." But he kept saying, "Tita, bibidong, hanananana."  He repeated it for maybe 5 times until his mom came in from selling the baskets of guavas that she and Yzlel harvested that morning, and explained to me what Yzlel meant.  He wasn't asking for a balloon pasalubong after all.  He only wanted me to sing the song he and his dad translated that goes: Waday bibidong ko Timayab lad kabonyan Agak la ang-angen Pimatok na-mo la Sayang lay pilak ko Nallakwan kon gayyabah No makan koma la Naphelak et koma. My nephew sang with me, being a one year old little guy, he was...

Life's been lazy and depressing this last few days.  I worked from my bed and got up only for physio-biological needs. But today, I decided to make the effort to be happy and productive with the participation of my feet and my hands, and not only my fingers and my brain like I did last week.  I don't know what happened.  For some reason, I was too unhappy to get up.  Some neighbors came to talk to me one evening, but I pretended to be asleep. (Yikes, that's sick, I know! :-) Today the Lord encouraged me with the devotional passage that I read this morning that says: "God knows how hard you've tried How tired you get, How empty your soul can feel, ...even when your days and nights are crowded with all you do in the name of the Lord. God knows the longings of your spirit, the unfulfilled places of your heart." Thank you, my Lord Jesus, for knowing me more than I know myself.