MARGIENARY

There was a time in my life when I spouted questions and sentiments that go like this: Lord, I’m confused I thought that when I choose to believe in You You would part the sea so I could walk on dry land That when I choose to follow you You would neutralize the venom of serpents And let me walk in the wilderness without worrying about beasts of prey I thought that when I choose to put my faith in you You would show me your plans and allow me to be a part of it. Why then do I now feel that a darkness has begun to engulf me Why do I feel like the path you had me take has reached a dead end I could manage a fork in the road, a crossing, or an uphill climb, but a dead end? Why, when I thought that I have put my 101% faith in you, you would pull the rug from under my feet, causing me to fall down on my knees again Why, when I thought I know what you want me to do, where you’d have me go You would let a fog of confusion come down that I would not be able to...

I have proven in more ways than one that we do reap what we sow. Some people call it karma, some people call it the law of the universe: That whatever you do or did not do, be it good or bad, the consequence, be it a blessing or a curse, will one day find its way back to you. Believing this does me good. It reminds me to be careful about judging others. Let's face it, all of us are human beings with our own share not only of strengths but also of flaws and shortcomings. It is therefore very easy for us to pass judgment when we thought that people have fallen short of the standard that we set to be the yardstick to measure people with whom we have dealings.  Even those who we thought deserve our respect, our friendship or our love, we subject them to this yardstick. The problem, I noticed in myself, is that we always have a double standard specially when it comes to ourselves. We subject other people to a very rigorous standard but when it comes to a point where we ought to measur...

If you ask me that question, I’d say I have been hiding in my cave trying to get all the cobwebs off the stalactites and sweep the floor clean to chase away the perpetual sleeplessness which is like some red-eyed bats that hang on their little sharp-tipped wings on the roof of a cave. After I wrote that I’m-in-a-bad-mood-so-you-better-get-out-of-my-way-rant some weeks ago, I decided to be a good girl (for a change :-) and keep things to myself. At least to keep from ruining someone else’s day if not more so to maintain a semblance of sanity. That would be the dramatic answer I would give you which would no more or less than the truth, depending on what perspective one is looking from. The honest and stripped-of-drama, straightforward answer is that I have been trying to “live” more. I guessed experiencing death even for a few seconds leaves its mark on a person and it makes one try to be more ‘alive’ than s/he already is. How does one live more? Well, for myself, I’ve been making sure ...

During my birthday this month, my friends and colleagues serenaded me and the first song they sang was one that is called Faithful Friend by Twila Paris. One line in the song that I remember says, "I will never put you on a pedestal." And my mind went, "Why not?" But then the next line in the song says, "For we both know the glory is the Lord's." All in all, the song was good, and I should not fail to mention that I love the melody. But that is not the main reason why I am writing this blog. The reason was that I have personally proven this month that the worst thing one can do, both to oneself and the concerned person, is to put someone on a pedestal. Just like the song said, the pedestal belongs to the Lord alone. We can hold people in very high honor but we should never forget that they are human beings too... fallen human beings just like me and you. It is therefore unrealistic to expect people to stay as perfect as the person we have ma...

I’m confused.  I have been a mound of angry muscles, veins, and bones and arteries who if not reined in would go about virtually biting people’s heads off. When you died and been brought back to life, I would think you would be gentler. You would look at the world and everything in a whole new light. Well, I don’t.  I am angry at the doctors for making me go through that when they could have prevented it.  I am angry at my body for being such a messed up clump of cells that cannot even function the way it is supposed to. I am angry at my health for being such a pain in the neck. I am angry at the people who bring work to my door when they know that I need to rest. I am angry at friends who just see me walking around and standing on my own two feet and then assume that everything is fine now and they can treat me without the slightest bit of sensitivity and consideration. I am angry at people who think they are encouraging but actually irritating. I am angry at the dishes...

I almost asked my husband to take me to the ER today, (although from past experiences, the ER in the hospitals in this side of the world aren't that encouraging either) after I felt a sudden chest pain, weakness in my limbs, dizziness, and nausea, which are all indicative of a heart attack.  Now, why in the world would I get a heart attack? Well, yes!  I am not the healthiest person, but heart attack?  So I decided to wait it out a little and see how it goes, telling myself to breathe in and out because it came to a point where all my awareness was focused on the crushing pressure on my chest that makes it so difficult to breathe. I voraciously searched the net for any possible diagnosis of the symptoms I was presenting and came across a forum where people with similar symptoms posted what their doctors found out (or mostly what they did not find out) and some remedies they've tried that somehow alleviated the discomfort.  A lot of them said it might be trap...

It is a good thing Blogger does not kick out people who stay away from their blogs for too long.  I would have been asked to leave long time ago if they do. It is always good to come back here and read what transpired in years past, so I am back but mostly to use this page again as a therapist.  I always find it therapeutic to write about things that have had an impact on my life specially the scary and bad ones. Yup, I almost died exactly a day before the 4th death anniversary of my dad. It was around 11PM, while I was writing my case digests on a Saturday, the 14th of this month when I felt this nerve-racking pain in my lower abdomen. I tried to psych myself up and get it under control but when I could not, I awaken my husband and told him that maybe he should take me to the hospital.  After that, I passed out because of the pain.  My husband thought I fell asleep.  When I came to, it was already early in the morning of Sunday and th...