MARGIENARY

Yesterday, I was hanging some sheets on the clothesline when I saw a couple of orange lilies peeping through a blanket of dry pine needles and pineapple leaves.  I went and picked three of them giving me six glorious orangeness.   I found a little vase for them and put them on my dining table, admiring them as I did my chores.  I was gonna leave the orange beauties on my dining table but I changed my mind.  I took the vase with the flowers with me when we left the house and they're now sitting on top of my kitchen worktable.  The petals looked perfect and they seemed to be telling me that this is just another quite and peaceful day--no mind-boggling puzzles to solve, no heartbreaking situations to face.  I was quite wrong because today, I felt so useless... at least to my grandfather.  When we went up our village last Friday, my younger brother told me that my sick grandfather wanted me to go to him and pull a tooth that has been giving...

B and I just got ourselves a new house.  The house is not new, but it is new to us and I totally adore it.  Comes May, B & I would be together for six years already and I plan to spend as much time of that month in our new home.  These past five years, we have been dwelling in a very comfortable house that was lent to us--one that I also love and enjoy, yet it still feels weird to have a nice house of our own.  Last night, we went and slept there for the first time and I felt like I was in a dream.  The house was nothing fancy but it is my house; and yesterday, when I first opened the door, my mind went high-speed in excitement at how B and I would decorate it, what stuff to put on the walls, the cabinets, the shelves, and what colors to hang in the windows, etc. The house is indeed a blessing.  I was looking at a picture in my brother's house and it was a picture of him and his friends atop a hill overlooking a very nice view of mountains and pine tree...

It was so great of God to have had given me the chance to watch the lives of four people who truly love serving Him.  In the eyes of men, there is nothing to be gained in giving oneself to serve others the way these people have.

THANKS Life is not so unkind after all When you’ve gone away Everything for me was just A blurry perspective. After ours had fallen apart There was no getting over you You’ve torn my heart into shreds ‘til I found out there is life after you. Thanks for breaking my heart Thanks for betraying my trust Thanks for pushing me out of your way I never have found him If not for all that you did to me. Now that I’m up and about Here’s a love worth living for You may not believe this But I love him more than I ever loved you before. (Another song that was a lie at the time it was written. It only came true four years later.)

Here i am again Wond’ring about everything Did i really left Or just been here all along Dreamin’ about you. But here i am still Wide awake and thinkin’ about you Pretending that everything’s goin’ fine As the sun rises from the east I will do fine. I know you’ve made up your mind And i’m sure you’re not coming back When we broke each other’s heart Destiny has planned it From now on We will always be apart. Wherever you are In case you’re thinking about me Always remember The love we have shared It was in the past but still in memory. Ironheart/Christmas’97 (This is a song I co-wrote with a friend of mine. I wrote the lines after I accepted the fact that what R&I had was irrevocably over. But when my musician friend read it, he wrote a music.)

In the waters of fantasy the shadows march As the dark waves of dreams keep twirling in an arch The rivers of joy had long been dried up Peals of sorrow struck like a loud thunder clap. In the depths of the grave the ghost awakes As the leaves are gathered, and the fire awaits Tears were shed as the heavens cried Drowning not the grief as it tries to hide. In the fires of anger hope burnt away As the hands of bitterness grip the heart all the way Slabs of unforgiveness blocks the mind's highway Blocks all the hurts, but keeps happiness at bay. (Written for a friend who cried his heart out to me because of a love lost.)

Altar of my Heart My breath you gave me back Snatched me up from the quicksand of death My love of life were leaves in autumn Waiting for the winter’s night to take me home. Yet you’re the sand in the seashore that tickles my toes You are the whites and the reds of the rose Your love caused my soul to hibernate When it’s all ready to shutdown and crash. You set up a home deep in my heart To live again on a fresh start You are the flame that lights my path A love offering in the altar of my heart. (I wrote this while with Ex-No.2. Most of the lines are for God, but inspired by what I feel at the time for A.)

Love can’t be this bad, can it? Yes it can be when it comes to me and you Me? Well, I’m not missing you Cuz I wake up at 5:30 Take a bath at 6:00 I eat noodles at 6:15 And dress myself up to 6:45 Preparing my notes follows Then off to school at 7:15. I listen to teachers’ chit chat From 7:30-12:30 I eat my lunch at 1:00 Shuffle the cards or wash my clothes Scan my notes, chat with my roommate Crack jokes and laugh at supper time. I prepare myself for bed Brush my teeth and wash my face Turn off the lights, wear sweaters and socks Draw the covers over me And sleep like a baby ‘til 5:30. Now you tell me how can I miss you When I keep a very busy day?

You thought your life is a wilderness But in your heart, I found an oasis And our love has grown and thrived When you welcomed me inside. I dreamt of sharing your awesome desert To keep its rugged beauty in my heart To be blinded by its raging sandstorms And to leave my footprints in its sand dunes. A north wind will blow and even out my prints But before that, may you come back to reminisce And see the two of us frolicking in the sand As we wish to ride the sunset hand in hand. But here we are, the sun has risen in fury Will you let it burn us in such a hurry? Why not build a shelter that would shade our hearts So that even in the desert, we could make it last. these lines were written after a big fight that resulted to a cooling-off, that resulted to a break-up... with whom? i don't seem to remember... ;-)

Day of Missing You Bad (26) Month of Loving You Much (7) Year of our Hearts (2K3) My dearest, Hello! I love you… Yeah, as the days go by, I am finding out that there’s just no living without you… but oh boy, what a mess you made out of me. I used to be in control, but now, I am the most confused woman in all the face of the earth. I used to be self-sufficient, now there is an incompleteness deep within me that only you can fill… I used to be satisfied hugging my pillow at night, but now, I long to be in your arms… no blanket is warm enough to make up for your embrace; no breeze is more gentle than your touch; no bed is cozy enough to make up for the cozy feeling I get when I am with you; no pillow is softer than the softness of your words; no honey is sweeter than the words you whisper in my ears… I love the way you whisper my name, the way you hold my hand. It's fun for me to witness the sureness of your dart pins, and the shine of your shoes. I adore your black belt, ...

Heavens eyes has bestowed a smile upon us More so that He took your hand to reach me out Alas, miles and oceans come between us, but LOVE As strong as the waves permeates our hearts Love conquers all, once again… proven without a doubt. Romance, haven’t I turned my back on you? Haven’t I… Locked my heart away, never to let anyone break in? But now, Granted, I have fallen hopelessly for him. Gone with the wind, as Scarlet said, were my heartaches and fears Interlude of joy, intense longing, my heart cries out to be with him. Each day is a gift, a promise to keep Everlasting love, memories to cherish I pledge to you, I will be true, I will stay Pure, until the day, you Reach my hand and vow to love and keep me… Eternally.

I wrote this in 1995 in Baguio City after receiving the fifth letter from R. J ust a little moment with you Is the greatest wish of my life To utter little words of love To show you how much I care To prove the love I kept so long. U nder a curtain of white and blue A sunbeam leads the way And in the middle of the darkest night Starlight, though dim it seems Comforts my heart, longing to reach out to you. H urting each other for so long Keeping lying tongues and pretentious hearts Seems the most rational thing Diverting my heart from missing you. N ow that we are far apart I wish this waiting will not last Wishing to God to give us time To cherish, to care, to live and love.

I was thinking about changing the face of this blog to fit the valentine mood of the month but I thought back at how it bored me in the past when I tried to put back my links and other features in the page, and so I decided against it. Perhaps it would be better to do a series of blog on love. But then I thought again, and there was really nothing I could write about the subject that the great poets and great novelists and playwrights have not already written. What then am I to do when I am second-guessing myself at every idea that comes in this shell of mine? Well, maybe a few stories about the loves of some people I know, but then I would need permission to do that. That made me decide that I'll just share some moments in the times when the three great loves of life happened. Hah! I got this idea when it occurred to me that in the last few months, my exes were able to get in touch with me and the friendly talks we had had kind of helped me to lay my ghosts to rest. As in eve...